Happy Feet


So I starting thinking about feet earlier today.

I’m not like a foot fetishist or anything – it just occured to me that this is a very interesting topic… here in Florida we pretty much have only one season: SUMMER. It can be broken up into three distinct seasonal periods – Mild Summer, Hot Summer and REALLY HOT Summer. You rarely see too many Floridians outside in the middle of a hot July day unless there’s alcohol and/or shade involved. Or maybe food. Or maybe food, booze AND shade? Damn! That’s like, the trifecta of summer happiness right there!!! 🙂

With our perpetual summer comes an excess of summer and open-toed footwear. There’s an ongoing parade of parties, dinners, festivals, fairs, beach events and barbecues where you find yourself in summer shoe wear. Thusly, it is imperative to keep your feet in pretty good shape when wearing open toed shoes, flip flops, sandals, etc. Can’t afford to hit up the nail salon every week for a pedicure? Not a problem!!! This is a tough economy – no one knows that better than me. All we’re asking (and I speak fof the general toe-viewing public here) is that you keep ’em neat, trimmed and moisturized. Get a Ped Egg at Target. I suggest a nice nail polish as well whenever possible. Is that too much to ask?

I am VERY embarrassed by my feet. They not horrible or anything, just not like, you know, perfect. The hospitality industry can be tough on your tootsies. With that said, I always make sure that I keep them moisturized, scrubbed, trimmed and with a nice nail polish on them. I’ve been paranoid about them ever since I was in high school. Sitting in the nail shop one day getting my nails done and I heard the manicurists yelling ” you pay extra! you pay extra!” at another patron. I honestly don’t know if the lady was yelling this because the person’s toes were utterly jacked up or if she was charging extra for him/her to cop a feel during a session… either way I’m scared to death of plopping into that chair and having them appraise my feet and then jack up the price because they’re so effing busted.

Also, here’s a thought – what if you’re snuggling up to Mr. Right?? You don’t want to scare him away with scaly feet. Ugh, what about when you’re taking off your shoes to walk through security at the airport? Asking for help in the shoe department at Nordstrom? Standing on the scale at the gynecologist’s office? As a deeply paranoid person I think about this stuff ALL the time, and find myself looking at other people’s toes. When toes catch my eye I’m usually think either “man I wish mine looked like that!” or “THANK YOU BABY JESUS for not giving me toes like that!”

So I’m kinda thankful for the feet I have. After all, they could always look like this:


One response »

  1. Being a now former shoe salesman, I completely agree 100% with this. And it’s always the icky footed people that want to try on the open toed shoes.

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