Today the auditions video from “Get Fit With Nick” was posted up! I was so excited!
Then I saw myself in the video.
Holy snotballs. I looked awful. I never realized how much I slouch or what a hot mess I looked like! The self-consciousness completely took over the excitement of watching the video.
But then I looked at the video again. I started to wonder, “is that how I’ve looked all along?” why didn’t anyone tell me that I was a mess. I felt fat and unattractive and ungainly and just… awful.
At first, I just stayed positive and thought “all the more reason to push myself and get this weight off!!” I felt motivated and inspired to keep working. I still feel that way to a certain degree – I am sticking to my goal. Hopefully nothing will change that. I just feel pretty heavy-hearted (no pun intended) about it.
It’s a hard feeling to shake though. Seeing yourself through the unbiased lens of a camera is like a big fat slap in the face (again, no pun intended).
What was worse? This horrible realization that being overweight has taken over virtually every aspect of my life. Self-esteem, relationships, everything. I slipped into a familiar cycle of self-pity and self-blame. Even though I know I shouldn’t feel that way, I was hard not to.
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t blame ANYONE for my health status but myself. Not one tied my hands behind my back and forced me to do anything; I’m not doing myself any favors by feeling all pitiful and sad either. I promised myself when going into this whole experience that I would stop focusing on the negatives and stay focused on my goals. Why is that so hard??