“The Camera Add 10 Pounds”… so where did the rest come from???

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Today the auditions video from “Get Fit With Nick” was posted up! I was so excited!

Then I saw myself in the video.

Get Fit With Nick Auditions Video

Holy snotballs. I looked awful. I never realized how much I slouch or what a hot mess I looked like! The self-consciousness completely took over the excitement of watching the video.

But then I looked at the video again. I started to wonder, “is that how I’ve looked all along?” why didn’t anyone tell me that I was a mess. I felt fat and unattractive and ungainly and just… awful.

At first, I just stayed positive and thought “all the more reason to push myself and get this weight off!!” I felt motivated and inspired to keep working. I still feel that way to a certain degree –  I am sticking to my goal. Hopefully nothing will change that. I just feel pretty heavy-hearted (no pun intended) about it.

It’s a hard feeling to shake though. Seeing yourself through the unbiased lens of a camera is like a big fat slap in the face (again, no pun intended).

What was worse? This horrible realization that being overweight has taken over virtually every aspect of my life. Self-esteem, relationships, everything. I slipped into a familiar cycle of self-pity and self-blame. Even though I know I shouldn’t feel that way, I was hard not to.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t blame ANYONE for my health status but myself. Not one tied my hands behind my back and forced me to do anything; I’m not doing myself any favors by feeling all pitiful and sad either. I promised myself when going into this whole experience that I would stop focusing on the negatives and stay focused on my goals. Why is that so hard??

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2 responses »

  1. It’s hard for just about any of us to see ourselves on film (or digital media…whatever) but we have to remember that God sees us as his beloved child and all parents think their kids are gorgeous.

    What I see when I look at Renee is a wicked sense of humor, a creative talent and a HUGE heart. You are so brave to take on this challenge and I just can’t adequately express how impressed and proud I am.

    Don’t let this discourage you. You are beautiful through and through.

  2. When I recently discovered your website and started following along, I was thinking I’d post my very 1st comment. I don’t know just what to express except that I truly liked reading by means of. Good writings. I will maintain on visiting this site much more often.

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