I needed leggings. I went to my trusty girlfriend, Lane Bryant at her nearby store to get some and they were… drumroll please… TWENTY FIVE DOLLARS.
So I thought, “well frick that!” I’m going to visit my other BFF Target and I’ll find them there cheaper. And I did.
In every size but mine.
So I bought the closest (yet too small) size, convinced that I could make them work. After sweating and writhing like a fat fool on my closet floor, I finally rested… with the leggings firmly stuck around my thighs, cutting off circulation. In the process I’d also put a giant run in them.
I pulled out one of my other trusty friends, the suck ’em up panties and finally got them on. I felt like a stuffed sausage, and ever step I took make this zwoop-zwoop-zwopp sound, that was my thighs rubbing together in the tights. It was a tragic sight.
All I could think about as I was bent over huffing and puffing into those tights and staring at the big run I’d just put in them was… “effing Lane Bryant. This is HER fault! Why are her prices so high?!? Ms. Bryant can kiss the very fattest part of my big brown stuffed sausage ass.
(Side note: Ok, in the long run, I realize it’s my fault for eating sausage (and other bad but good eats) that led me to even patronize Lane Bryant’s fine clothing establishment in the first place. I KNOW that. So readers, please refrain from pointing out the obvious and let me just rant please. :))
Standing there in the closet I realized that, at this present weight, if I want to wear tights I really don’t have a lot of choices: as much as she and I are on the outs right now I just might HAVE to buy leggings/ tights from Lane Bryant, with her highly inflated prices. Being a big girl is NOT cheap… clothes cost more! Well, cute clothes anyway. Especially at LB. Every time I flick over a tag on one of their full priced items, the cost literally makes me gasp. Am I just too cheap to be a big girl? There’s no reason that a basic white tank top should cost $25. I mean, for $25, can’t a sista at least have a “shelf” in there for a little extra support??
And I’m even madder that she made me think of sausage! Sausage is soooo not on the Get Fit With Nick plan.
Not cool, LB. Not cool.