The Story That Won’t Die (or, Why You Should Never Say the Word “Ejaculate” at Work)

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Ejaculate.

Yep, I accidentally said that word at work two weeks ago.

It’s been a while since I’ve written a blog post. Hopefully this story will make up for it. Just try not to judge me too harshly for my stupidity.

 

It all started when I accidentally told my VP to shut up during our weekly department meeting.

I used it as slang, a way to express my surprise. She said something surprising to me, and without thinking I said “Shut up! Are you serious?”

 

Right after I said it, my face melted into a look of horror, as if I’d just accidentally eaten a child. The room was quiet (there were only 5 of us in the meeting). She made light of it, and was probably honestly not offended, but my face was burning with shame.

 

Shame which quickly turned into embarrassment when, after the meeting, she teased me by telling her assistant that I’d told her to shut up! She teased me on and off for the rest of the afternoon. I thought by the end of the day the story would die.

 

NOPE! It was revived the next day, which was Valentine’s Day. the BBE sweetly sent me flowers, and they were sitting on my desk all day. The Associate VP, who is the Queen of the Dirty Old Ladies Club, noticed the flowers and pounced on them and began to tease me, asking “so… what did you have to do to get those flowers??”

 

I am NOT a member of the Dirty Old Ladies Club (if only by the sheer lack of age!) but I work with enough lifelong members that I didn’t hesitate to answer ” I did what I had to do to get them!” This response set off a shit storm of cackling and good-natured ribbing amongst the DOL (Dirty Old Ladies)… which would have eventually abated had my VP not piped up with “She’s been sassy all week! Yesterday she told me to shut up!”

 

I tried to defend myself, explaining that, in our meeting yesterday, I was so surprised by something that I ejected the words “shut up!”

 

Well in my MIND I said “ejected”, what I really said was… EJACULATED.

 

Yep… EJACU-effing-LATED.

 

The caw-caws of the DOLs were so loud that my VP boss, the CFO of our company, came out of his office to see what was going on, just as one of my coworkers was repeating my statement… so he walked up just in time to hear – you guessed it – the word “ejaculated”. He simply shook his head and walked away.

 

At this point, I packed up my purse and went home (it was past my out time anyway). I was horrified. As I drove home, I curse the BBE’s thoughtfulness in sending me flowers, cursed whoever thought up the Valentine’s Day as a holiday and cursed myself for accidentally saying the wrong word. I prayed to the baby Jesus that they’d forget about this story and it would never come up again.

 

Ha.

 

It came up again several times over the next few days. At one point, someone sent me an email calling me “Penny”. Puzzled, I responded back, asking why I was being called Penny. “For penny-tration! Get it? Penetration?” har har har.

 

The final piece de resistance came when we had an after hours dine around event for work, and the CFO retold the tale… to the HR Director and Manager of our company.

 

I was so embarrassed that I nearly cried. I’m still waiting to be called into HR. I’m also pretty sure this will be brought up at this year’s Christmas party. You know, in 9 months.

 

Pray for me… and try not to ever use the word “eject” at work.

 

Sincerely,

 

Penny

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