and sometimes, I think my BFE is one of them. Yeah, he has loud moments.
Yes, I said it! After years of keeping this to myself, I am finally saying it. Northerners are effing LOUD. And I think all the years in the Northeast have affected the brains of my deep South honey.
What’s making me speak the truth on Northerners now? Because loud Northern tourists interrupted the ending of the movie that the BFE and I snuck into yesterday afternoon. They actually completely RUINED the shawarma joke from the end of the Avengers movie, and I’m pissed. I worked hard to sneak into that movie, dammit.
Oh, did I not mention that the BFE and I went all Bonnie & Clyde yesterday?? Ok, what had happened was…
Bee and I (I call the BFE that a lot) were planning to go play a round of golf in the morning, but unfortunately Hurricane Beryl had different plans for us… so we came up with a Plan B, which was to go see Men in Black in the morning instead. Since Nature has a sick sense of humor, it turned out to be a beautiful day, but since we didn’t wake up in time for an 8 am tee off, it didn’t matter. Plan B was in effect. Thanks Beryl!! Heffer.
Um, has anyone BEEN to the movies recently? And paid FULL PRICE and had to empty their child’s college fund to do it? Good grief. I remember early in our courtship Bee and I went to the movies and dinner. By then, I should have known for sure that he really liked me, because a 3-D movie for 2 adults in the dining theater (“fork & screen”) on a Friday evening was $38, and that’s before dinner. Now that he’s “put a ring on it” and we’re saving for a new place of our own and a wedding, going to a matinee movie is actually a fricking LUXURY.
Matinee for 2 people should have been $12 total – 6 bucks for each person, but because the ONLY options at all to see Men in Black were either 3-D or 3-D fork & screen, our cheapest option was the 3-D, at $11 a person. So we were already determined to get our money’s worth. Even before we swiped our card at the ticket kiosk I’d already decided that we would keep our 3-D glasses instead of “recycling” them after the movie. We paid for those, dammit!
I’m the kinda girl that has no shame hitting up the Wal-green’s before a movie and getting boxes of Swedish Fish and Mike and Ikes for $1 apiece and sticking them in my bag. I will also grab a Dasani and stick it in there too. Once in high school I brought a Wendy’s combo in my satchel, drink included, and when I waited in line to see the Harry Potter movies at midnight I popped microwave popcorn at home for all my friends and brought it to the line in baggies. Times are tough, you know??? Now that I’m out of college with a fully time job, I had started to think that I didn’t have to resort to those tactics anymore, but with skyrocketing ticket prices and fruit cups that cost 4 DAMN DOLLARS (more on that later) a girl and her Bee gotta do what they’ve gotta do.
So, fast forward to the end of the MIB movie. I’m feeling all heartstrings-tuggy because the end is a little touching. Bee leans over, flips up his bug-eyed 3-D glasses that we’re totally NOT recycling after the movie, and says “Wanna go sneak into another movie??”
I snapped out of my mushiness immediately, look down at the $11 3-D glasses in my hand and decide that perhaps the best way to get my money’s worth is to not only take them home, but to take them into another movie theater first. So I giggle and agree to play “Bonnie” to Bee’s “Clyde”. After a quick pee break, we grab a meal from the concession stand and head into the 3-D theater for the Avengers.
In all fairness, buying 2 hot dogs (plain), 1 medium cherry coke and 1 small popcorn cost us about the price of two tickets. By the way, did I mention that I originally reached for a fruit cup in lieu of the popcorn, only to find that the fruit cup that the Target deli sells for 79 cents was $4.50 at the movies??? I actually asked the cashier, are yall HIGH??? He admitted that in the entire time he’s worked there, he’s never seen anyone actually BUY a fruit cup, which both grossed me out and intrigued me. Hmmmph. Well now I know why. So at this point I’m thinking that bringing our own 3-D glasses plus buying the overpriced food was a fair trade for a movie, right?? Right?
We nonchalantly sidle into the theater and settle in for an AWESOME movie, the whole time Bee’s giggling because I’m muttering the lyrics “breakin’ the law, breakin’ the lawwww” under my breath. It was all worth it though!!! Avengers was AWWWWWWWEEEESOMMMMMEEE!!! If you haven’t seen it, GO!! One of my favorite funny parts of the movie was Tony Stark talking about shawarma… which later relates to a bonus scene after the credits.
So there we are, all delinquent and Bonnie & Clyde-espue watching this silent but funny final scene, and these LOUD ASS NORTHERNERS spoil the final scene by preemptively yelling out “hahahahahaha! Shawarma!!! Hahahaha!! They walk out, loudly guffawing and yelling about effing shawarma. In that LOUD obnoxious voice that only comes from north of the Mason-Dixon line. The Boston Baked Beans sound that makes you want to stab your eyeballs out.
As we walk out, I whisper to Bee, “Northerners are so LOUD”. He looks at me like I just told him that puppies make great grilling steaks, and then shot his dog. I’d forgotten that he spent quite a few years in the Northern part of these United States and that he too is occasionally prone to the Loudness Syndrome. Regardless of his crazy stink eye, I stood by my statement. People always make it sound like Southern folks are always the rowdy obnoxious cousins that you never want to bring to a tea party, but I swear that Northerners are the loudest. The LOUDEST.
If that makes me prejudiced, shoot me. I don’t think it does, though, since I’m not singling out any particular race, just everyone on the eastern seabord of the United States that regularly sees snow every year. Perhaps as much as I crack on my friend Ojeda about his random statements that I’m convinced will make him the crankiest old Cuban man in the old folks home, the truth is that I’ll be right along side him, wearing my 3-D glasses that I stole from the AMC, poking my retirement home roommate from Rochester, NY with my pokin’ stick, telling her that she “breathes too loudly, just like all them Northerners”.
So… back to our Bonnie & Clyde scenario. Bee and I finish watching our movie and happily toddle on home hand in hand, fueled by our delinquent acts. It was totally fun to be so bad, and completely clandestine (well, it was until I blogged about it). I pulled my 3-D glasses off my head and slipped them into my bag.
Yes, I KNOW it was wrong to sneak into another movie for free, and it’s terrible to say that EVERY Northerner without fail is a loud pain in the butt. I definitely would not encourage the movie sneaking habit in any kids I will eventually have, and I would certainly encourage my children to never stereotype people, because that’s wrong. But this isn’t the “goody-goody, how many nice things has the Peach done today” blog! Thank goodness for that. I’d be effed.
My only regrets? That we didn’t buy the larger sized drink when we were at the concession stand haggling about the $5 fruit cup and that I wasn’t prepared with an appropriate “Bonnie” outfit. That chick wore some seriously cute outfits. And that cherry coke was DAMN good. Slurp.