Things in my life lately have been incredibly good. So good, in fact, that I’ve become nervous, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
When did we become to paranoid, so afraid to be happy? What’s wrong with just enjoying the moment, and focusing on what’s good? I’m going to use one of my terrible similes and say that being blissfully happy without worrying about anything else is like when you’re relaxed, and floating in your pool in the backyard. If you don’t pay attention, a giant wave will crash down on you, or a boat will run you over, or Jaws will come eat you. The fear is irrational because you’re safe in the pool! You can’t explain why you always worry, except that maybe you bumped into the wall of the pool once, but you can’t stop thinking about the bad things that will happen. So it’s easier to be cautiously happy, enjoying life while furtively looking over your shoulder for the boogeyman who is coming to snatch it all away.
I think I’ve been living in my relationship the same way. It’s hard to just relax and believe that someone simply loves me, the way I am, the silly, goofy, nerdy, fart-tastic, rowdy me, warts and all. So instead of focusing on the joy of being with the BFE, I keep glancing over my shoulder, waiting to see who is coming to put a stop to my life, take it all away and say “oops, sorry, this doesn’t belong to you anymore.” How much must I be missing out when I lose my focus and stop appreciating what I have?
There are life circumstances that will make you a skeptic. When life dropkicks you in the ass, and you never saw it coming. Getting laid, off, getting dumped, being financially comfortable one minute and broke the next. Having friends that you thought would be there forever suddenly just gone. Suddenly having no place to live. I’ve conditioned myself that eventually everything gold is sure to fade, so I can have a little fun but I must always keep my eyes open for what’s sure to come next and turn everything upside down. It’s a very negative way to look at the world and it is hard to change that mentality when it’s a fundamental part of who you are. Nevertheless it’s necessary if I want to own joy.
Even though I always see the down side to things, I still live for those perfect moments. Like when friends come for dinner and everyone’s talking and laughing and happy around your dinner table. When you look out your car window during your drive home and see a beautiful sunset, and just think about what an amazing world we live in. When the one you love caresses your face and nothing seems more important than memorizing that feeling. There are days I wake up, and think “I love my life”. There are moments when I look at the BFE and see all this love radiating from one person for me! Just for me! and I just revel in it. Yet something holds me back from being the person that relaxes and floats in the water. I want to be a person that wakes up and finds joy in everything, without searching for the silver lining. I want to own my joy. Make sense?
So I’m going to start focusing on my goal: happiness. Whenever someone asked me what I wanted to be, my answer always used to be “happy”. Time to get back to basics. Time to start evicting anything and anyone in my life that does not serve the purpose of making me or those around me better, happier, more spiritually whole people. That includes my own emotional baggage. Wanna put people down? Gotta go. Like acting like an a-hole? Sorry, only room for one a-hole around here, and I don’t share space very well. It’s like deleting ex-friends from Facebook, but better. You’re releasing the hold any of their negativity has on your life. Is that harsh? Maybe. But no one said it wouldn’t be.
Sorry about my ravings tonight yall. Every once in a while it’s good to get it out, even it just solidifies that fact that I’m completely crazy 🙂