Parental Theme Park Survival Pack


The BFE and I took an afternoon to do what Disney Annual Passholders do best: wander around the parks like entitled a$$holes, spending as little money as possible.

We stand in line at our first ride, Star Tours. OOomph… I get hit in the backside by a parent’s backpack. Next line, to see Phineas and Ferb (yes, I’m that kind of dork) and I get bumped by a back packing parent wriggling under the queue line chains to join her kid in front of us in line.

Walking down the sidewalk… wham, another damn back pack to the side. By the fourth backpack, I turn to BFE and begin to speculate, WHAT IS IN THOSE FRIGGING PARENTAL PACKS?

After BFE talks me out of asking a parent head-on about their packaging contents, we spend our wait time in the next queue line coming up with potential items in those mysterious, hulking planning-for-a-trip-down-the-Oregon-Trail back packs full of crap. Then we reached out to friends on Facebook.

Here’s the list we came up with:

– Gluten free snacks, because all kids are gluten intolerant these days, as well as allergic to nuts, berries, dairy and any non-vegan products
– Sugar free juice, so they don’t bounce off the walls
– Baggie of cheerios
– Ponchos for entire family
– Hand sanitizer
– Bug spray
– Sunglasses
– Sun screen
– Pull ups
– Socks
– Child leash, but honestly this doesn’t need to be in a back pack but ON YOUR CHILD
– Hats
– Comb
– Headband
-Nintendo DS, God forbid they be bored in line for 5 minutes
– Backup batteries for the Nintendo DS
– iPad for taking large obnoxious pictures and also for games for the kids – God forbid they be bored in line for 5 minutes
– Autograph books
– Backup autograph books in case the other ones are lost, damaged or filled
– Pens for said autograph books
– Extra pens for autograph books or backup books, whichever comes first
– Hand wipes, for cleaning up after gluten free snacks
– Walkie talkies to coordinate meetups during family reunions, parades, meals or multi-family Disney trips
– Harry potter wand, since people are confused about where “Harry Potter Land” is, and you never know when you will need a wand!
– Child’s polyester princess costume to whip out and quickly pull onto your child’s head for impromptu meet & greets with said child’s favorite Disney Princess (yes, I have seen this happen)
– Shout wipes, self-explanatory
– Stuffed bears, God forbid they be bored in line for 5 minutes
– Commemorative mugs from specialty drinks bought from various parks (these arw usually dangling from the back pack straps, like tin cups from a covered wagon on the Oregon Trail
– Diapers
– Bathing suits for when kids want to run through the sprinklers or for water rides
– Maps from all the parks including universal and sea world, because no one seems to know the difference
– Pirate sword or light saber, depending on child’s preference… once saw a kid with three light sabers on his belt, and our friend Ojeda pondered saber-jacking him even though he was only, like, 5. But that’s another blog post.

Suggested by friends:
– receipts from all the crap they bought at the park that day
– boogie wipes(apparently they are a real thing)
– coloring books
– assorted toys
– treats for potty training
– ear plugs
– a deprivation tank

Dear Lord, no wonder those parents are hunched over and exhausted. It isn’t from running after kids whose brains are about to pop from visiting where Mickey and pineapple floats and the spinnig teacups live. It’s from carrying those piles of crap like damn sherpas.


One response »

  1. This is a really great list of things you need to pack to have a great day at the theme park! I would have to say sunscreen is one of the most important.

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