Category Archives: Email Hilarity

…annnnd the company I keep (who also lets me blog about them)

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My friend Ojeda is a regular source of entertainment and hilarity for me. We’ve known each other for about 6 years now, and as much as he drives me nuts he keeps me grounded… and constantly laughing. On a regular basis he says something that makes me stare at him and say “you know when you’re old you’re gonna be the most racist old Cuban man in the retirement home” and “You know can’t tell stories about tampons in public! Out loud!!” and “no, we will not steal Star Wars toys from that five year old” (see previous post).

Me and my Cuban Brotha from Anotha’ Mutha’ (who makes some meat cuban pork)

Being Cuban, he often pulls out these off the cuff statement regarding Cuban culture, and then looks at us all like we’re nuts for looking at him like he’s nuts.

Example from last Sunday:

BFE, Ojeda and two of our fairly normal (heh) friends are strolling around the World Showcase at EPCOT, and stop in the Outpost are to look at the shops. Ojeda spots a collection of beautifully carved elephants.

Ojeda: You know, it’s customary in Cuban households to have an elephant in your house somewhere.

**We are stare blankly**

Ojeda: You know, an elephant statue.

**We continue to stare blankly**

Ojeda: It’s for good luck. But it’s only good luck if the elephant’s ass is facing the front door. That’s the way it works.

***We continue to stare blankly**

Ojeda: Shut up! It’s my culture!!!!!

I love him to bits. He’s like the crazy Cuban brother I never had, because that would be weird and require a lot of explaining. And considering he’s confused Alabama and Georgia before, asking “what’s the difference??” he’s definitely not Southern enough to be my brother. But considering we both have zero filter, there’s a good chance we are still related.

Today’s email between me and Ojeda about plans we all have for tonight. I’ve highlighted the craziest parts in bold red for easier reading.

From: Ojeda
To: Peach
Subject: Tonight’s dinner

I want to let you know there’s a small possibility I may not be able to attend the dinner tonight.  I’ve been having the runs all this morning and still in the afternoon.  I’m also breaking a bit of a sweat and fear I may be coming down with something.

I really want to go, however, because it’s a special dinner and I want to be a part of it.  But in case I feel too sick, I wanted to give you advance notice.

I plan on working late in the office and then heading straight to the hotel.  So it’s best to reach me through email until around 7pm when I’m outside of the office and in cell phone range.

Ojeda

_______________________

From: Peach
To: Ojeda
Cc: BFE
Subject: RE: Tonight’s dinner

Oh no friend!!!! This is no good.

I’m sorry you’re sick. Maybe try flushing you system with some water and maybe Gatorade/ powerade? The bad thing about being sick like that is the dehydration that comes with it. It becomes a never-ending cycle because you are losing electrolytes.

I really REALLY hope you can make it but I understand if you cannot be there. Your health is important. If there’s anything you need, please let us know!

–          Peach

_________________

From: Ojeda
To: Peach at Work
Subject: RE: Tonight’s dinner

I’ll definitely keep you posted.  And you’re right about the hydration.  There’s no Gatorade in the office, but I’ve been keeping myself hydrated with a lot of water.  My body, however, is still cramping and I feel the movement to you know where.

Believe me, I want to go…and I expect to.  But just giving you a heads up.  I even wore a collar shirt for today.

Ojeda

________________

From: Peach at Work
To: Ojeda
Subject: RE: Tonight’s dinner

Things that will help your stomach too – the BRAT diet:

Bananas

Rice

Applesauce

Toast

–          Peach

_________________

From: Ojeda

To: Peach at Work
Subject: RE: Tonight’s dinner

Oh, good thing you told me what it stood for.  I was about to go to the nearest elementary and chew on a spoiled kid.

Ojeda

__________________

From: Peach at Work

To: Ojeda

Subject: RE: Tonight’s dinner

I’m totally blogging this.

–          Peach

____________________

From: Ojeda
To: Peach
Subject: RE: Tonight’s dinner

Thanks…I enjoy being part of the blog 😀

Ojeda

This is the company I keep. I hope this explains my crazy, even if it’s just a little bit. No normal person gets emails about the runs, and no normal friend would send them.

I am grateful for my crazy friends, though. Who else would go along with my insane schemes?

Or let me blog about them?

 

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We’ve Known Each Other For So Long….

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Ever see something that makes you laugh and laugh every time you see it… and then it gets stuck in your head and you snicker quietly to yourself at random moments throughout the day?

Here are a few that have been rattling around in my mind recently. A couple of them are rather old, but I stumbled across them in my email, and had a good laugh all over again. So I have to share them! We all need a good laugh, right?

 

Bear in mind that some of these are video clips or blog clips so you might have to click on them to view the content.

 

Tell me you won’t have this song stuck in your head allllll day now. Thank Rick Astley! It’s his fault. Jerk.

Bunnies are soo cute! Kung Fu Bunnies are sooo bad ass.

 

 

Click on image for Busty Girl Content. Trust me, it’s funny! Hail to the Big T!tty Commitee! BTC Unite!

 

This is just flat out funny. When you start thinking about it, it starts to make sense, no?

 

Amen! See yall on the porch! With drinks!

 

 

For people that have no idea what I do. Click to watch this video. “Janet!! That is NOT what your CVB said.” ROTFL

 

I don’t watch Saturday Night Live (because it’s never funny to me) but for once this clip made ma literally LOL…

 

For the nerds out there. If you’re not following George Takei on Facebook, what are you doing?!?!

 

 

And one of my all-time favorites, the Swagger Wagon:

Someone sent this to me like 2 years ago, and it’s so funny I’ve kept it in my email. HILARIOUS video. The only thing funnier? Spongebob singing “This is why I’m hot”

 

Update – We’re Broke, Our Wedding Isn’t Going to Make You Any Money!

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Wow.

 

So a few days ago, I posted about how my contact information had been unknowingly shared with a realtor via David’s Bridal (see: We’re Broke, Our Wedding Isn’t Going to Make You Any Money!). Having asked to be taken off the mailing list, I was VERY surprised to receive the SAME EMAIL from the SAME REALTOR less than 24 hours later.

 

Now, you might argue that it can take a few days to take someone off a mailing list – this is true. Working with mailing lists at work has taught me a few things, and the emails she is sending are not using “mailing lists”. For one thing, there was no option to unsubscribe, and for another, she wouldn’t have been able to add the email addresses in to the “to field” – it all would have been blind copied. She is simply copying and pasting names into the “to” field on her own email account. Only this time, she got smart and the second go-around she at least used the “bcc” field. Tricksy Baggins (sorry, a Lord of the Rings reference).

 

Getting the email again got me fired up… so I did what I should have done in the first place. I called the DB store and asked for the store manager. I told her what was going on, how I did not give them permission to share my info with a REALTOR, and how inappropriate and unprofessional this was. Clearly this store manager has taken a few customer service classes: she listened to my situation, empathized with how frustrated I was, apologized for the inconvenience and took immediate action.

 

She was unsure how a realtor got on their vendor list in the first place, but she assured me that she would contact corporate and have her removed, and would make sure that I did not receive future emails to my personal email address. Bam. Problem solved.

 

I feel a bit bad for realtor lady – she was just trying to drum up some business – but the tenor of her approach was inappropriate, and I think she needs a few lessons on how to network. Gaining contact by stalking future brides via email is out of control, but she’s not the only guilty party – someone within David’s Bridal allowed this to happen. I don’t know if my complaints ruined her relationship with the store. Should I feel guilty??

Bridal Spam

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Ok,  I just posted this on our wedding blog http://ourbigfatcruiselineswedding.wordpress.com, but for those of you that don’t follow that blog (yet) I had to double dip and share the post I just sent out:

 

Ha!

I think I just accidentally started a sh!t storm for David’s Bridal.

A few weeks back, while Dustyn and I were visiting family in Atlanta, I took the opportunity to schedule a wedding dress shopping expedition, where I learned a few things (see my previous post to find out what I learned from wedding dress shopping). In the process of booking my appointment online with David’s Bridal, I had to create a profile and supply my email address.

BIG mistake. HUGE mistake, actually. I have received non-stop emails from DB ever since. It’s actually been so nonstop that it’s been a bit of a turn off. I finally requested that my email address be removed from DB’s list, and after a suggestion from a recently married cousin, decided to start supplying any future vendors with an email address specifically for wedding stuff. It’s been helpful at filtering out the foolishness and helping me to pinpoint the useful stuff without clogging my personal email.

So even though I requested the DB stop sending me emails, I still occasionally get a few… and it turns out that they apparently shared my information WITHOUT MY PERMISSION to some of their vendors. How do I know that? Because I got an email to my personal email address this evening, from a REALTOR, congratulating me on my upcoming wedding, and offering her services when we were ready to buy our future house. Did I mention that I went dress shopping in Atlanta? We live in Central Florida… hmmph.

What I also noticed was that the realtor sent the email to about 24 other brides… because she copied them all on the email. Not blind copied, just pasted their email addresses right into the “To” field next to mine.

In my irritation, I wrote the following email:

Subject: Re: David’s Bridal
Wow. I have already asked twice to be removed from all David’s Bridal mailing lists, and I  did NOT give David’s Bridal permission to share my info with you. I am not interested in real estate at the moment… Especially since I live in another state. I am sure many of the other women on this email feel the same way, especially since you failed to blind copy us and thusly shared their info without permission as well. Please remove me from your mailing lists and future communications.
Thank you.

I copied the other brides on my email, and I think that’s what egged this bride on:

I completely agree. I did not give permission to email about anything besides my dress. Please remove me from your email list as well. I do not want my information out for everyone to know. I will be calling Davids Bridal tomorrow and calling corporate over this matter. REMOVE ME FROM THE EMAIL LIST!

Yikes. I think she was even madder than me! I feel a little bad for the realtor… not bad enough to retract my email, but I do feel like the firestarter a little bit  **insert sheepish grin here**

This probably comes off like I’m a psycho BrideZilla or something – I’m not, I promise. At least I don’t think of myself as one. It probably also comes off like I’m so crazily maniacal about sharing my person information – I am, but not to the nth degree. At least I don’t think that I am. I have a blog for heaven’s sake, and I share my personal stuff with my friends on Facebook all the time (sometimes in excess – read: farting). I think there’s a fine line between being provided services you need and having a service provider anticipating your needs while you are allowed to selectively sharing your information, and there’s what amounts to selling your info to realtors in a state that you don’t even live in.

It was a hard lesson to learn – weddings is a booming business for people! Having worked in a hotel before, I already knew this, but just forgot. I didn’t think it really applied to us. As I comb through my wedding email inbox, I am reminder that there are companies out there ready to profit from our declaration of love for each other. I don’t mind that so much, I mean everyone has to make a living, I guess I just want to tell them that… well, we aren’t broke, but we’re definitely not loaded. YOU WILL NOT MAKE MUCH MONEY OFF OF US!! Stop sending me your info about venue locations, free floral consultations, dance lessons and officiants. It’s exhausting! I wonder if these folks realized how “Broke Bride On A Budget” I am close to being, if they’d still waste the email to contact me with this stuff.

I also wonder how many other emails like mine that realtor is going to receive.

Played again by IT

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You may recall my post from January about my IT department’s response to my penis email. Well, here’s some more IT fun.

Before you read this please understand: our IT folks rock. In no way do I intend to belittle or direspect what they do for uson a daily basis. They work hard and really know their stuff. It just happens that in addition to knowing their “IT stuff” they also know a few more wordly things.

Here’s an IT request submitted by one of my coworker friends. Granted, she started it.

Subject: Completed WO# 20549 – Printer issues?

Summary: Printer issues?

Description: Hi – when I try to print anything from [our database], I get a message asking “Do you trust this printer?” As if it was a shady felon wearing a ski mask asking me for directions on a dimly lit highway. Then it says I need to install a driver.  Please help – I just want to print! 

 

Resolution:

01/25/2012 9:34:41 AM (GMT-5:00) Eastern Standard Time, Logged by: [IT Helpdesk] – Masked felon was apprehended using the help of a blind psychic and the printer driver has been restored to its full working potential!

And recently I had to submit a helpdesk ticket because I received this email:

—–Original Message—–
From: administrator@randomcompany.com [mailto:administrator@randomcompany.com]
Sent: Friday, February 24, 2012 10:27 AM
To: Me

Subject: Symantec Mail Security detected prohibited content in a message sent from your address

Location of the message:  SMTP

 

The message was Quarantined

 

This was done due to the following Symantec Mail Security settings:

 Scan: Auto-Protect

 Rule: New rule for Body Words

 Violating term(s):

                Viagra (Matchlist name : Message Body Words)

Yep, you read that correctly. Someone’s spam security system thingy thinks that I sent out an email with the word “viagra” in it. When I mentioned this to the BBE (who is also an IT nerd) his response was… wait for it… sounds like you just wanted your headers to “grow” har har har.

I don’t know who’s worse, my IT department or my BBE.

Well played, IT. Well played.

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Are all IT departments at companies like the one at my place of business? See below.

I got this email in my inbox yesterday afternoon, in response to an event invite I sent out:

—–Original Message—–

From: administrator@randomcompany.com

Sent: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:19 PM

To: Renee M.

Subject: Symantec Mail Security detected prohibited content in a message sent from your address  

Location of the message:  SMTP

Sender of the message: <Renee M> Subject of the message:  Payment Confirmation/Receipt for XYZ event

 

The message was Quarantined

 

This was done due to the following Symantec Mail Security settings:

Scan: Auto-Protect

Rule: New rule for Body Words

Violating term(s):

                Penis (Matchlist name : Message Body Words)

 YES. You read that right. Someone’s system server is accusing me of sending an email with the word PENIS in it! PENIS!

 

 

So I forward it to the smartest guys in the office,  my IT Help Desk folks. Big mistake. HUGE.

—–Original Message—–
From: Renee M.

Sent: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:05 PM
To: IT Help Desk (Please use Track-It!)
Subject: FW: Symantec Mail Security detected prohibited content in a message sent from your address  

What is this?!?!?

As a result, I got a smart ass answer. I nearly choked to death on my morning coffee when I came in the next morning to this answer:

From: Helpful Yet Smart Ass IT guy #1

Sent: Wednesday, January 18, 2012 8:19 AM
To: Renee M

Cc: IT Help Desk (Please use Track-It!)
Subject: RE: Symantec Mail Security detected prohibited content in a message sent from your address

 

  1. pe·nis/ˈpēnis/
Noun:
  1. The male genital organ of higher vertebrates, carrying the duct for the transfer of sperm during copulation. In humans and most other…
  2. A type of male copulatory organ present in some invertebrates, such as gastropod mollusks.

He followed this nugget of knowledge with this statement: Apparently you guys need to know what you are talking about before educating the general public.

And just in case that wasn’t enough:

From: Helpful Yet Smart Ass IT guy #2

Sent: Wednesday, January 18, 2012 8:23 AM
To: Helpful Yet Smart Ass IT guy #1; Renee M
Cc:  IT Help Desk (Please use Track-It!)
Subject: RE: Symantec Mail Security detected prohibited content in a message sent from your address 

That’s a mouthful!!

TRUE. EFFING. STORY.

I’ve since been advised that I was spared their original response, which involved wikipedia.

Another day in the life of a Sunburnt Peach.

 

Dirty Old Ladies, Part 1

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Read on to learn how an email about nothing turned into an epiphany that I need a date.

From: AB
Sent: Fri 4/15/2011 11:50 AM
To: Renee M.
Subject: Nothing

You are hysterical.

-AB


From: Renee M.
Sent: Friday, April 15, 2011 11:59 AM
To: AB
Subject: RE: Nothing

I try to entertain myself and others on a regular basis.

-RM


 

From: AB
Sent: Fri 4/15/2011 12:01 PM
To: Renee M.
Subject: RE: Nothing

Good job missy.

How are you?


 

From: Renee M.
Sent: Friday, April 15, 2011 12:08 PM
To: AB
Subject: RE: Nothing

Good! Working reception right now to cover the receptionist on lunch, then running straight into our team’s quarterly brainstorming for the rest of the afternoon :). How was dinner with TRyan? (see what I did there? I combined Tim’s and Ryan’s names, like Heidi and Spencer became “Speidi”? LMAO


 

From: AB
Sent: Friday, April 15, 2011 12:17 PM
To: Renee M.
Subject: RE: Nothing

LMAO!


From: Renee M.
Sent: Friday, April 15, 2011 12:15 PM
To: AB
Subject: RE: Nothing

holy snotballs!!! The finest Morroccan Man I’ve ever seen in real life just walked into our office. He was looking for the Moroccan Embassy. I think he was looking down the front of my shirt. I don’t mind.


From: AB
Sent: Fri 4/15/2011 12:12 PM
To: Renee M.
Subject: RE: Nothing

There is something wrong with you! LOL


From: Renee M
Sent: Friday, April 15, 2011 12:18 PM
To: AB
Subject: RE: Nothing

What?!?! Ain’t a thing wrong with me. He shook my hand… it was nice and warm.

Mmmmm….

Yes, maybe something is wrong with me.

Did I mention his muscles were ginormous?

I need a date.

-RM