Category Archives: Stalking

Pants Off… Everyday! Oh, Pink Tutus and a Peeping Tom too.

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So Pants Off Friday has kinda blown up into a clothing-free explosion! I am no longer restricted to just Fridays. Now it’s Pants Off Wednesday, Sunday, Thursday. Honestly, the only time I can guarantee full dress is when company is coming over. Right now I’m chilling on the couch in my pajama dress, trying not to resort to full Pants Off  Thursday. I have no idea when I bother. Just embrace my nature, right???

 

What’s new in the world of the Peach and the BFE… well, the BFE is working hard and loving his job, which is super awesome!! It’s wonderful to see him to happy and enjoying what he does. You can’t wish for more for someone, except maybe to hit the jackpot! We are going to a hockey game next week, which we’re both really excited about. I’m looking forward to beers!!! and fistfights on the ice! He’s a fan of the Tampa Bay Lightning, and I went to my first hockey game ever last week. It was a HOT MESS. I might write a post on my experience, so stay tuned. Any sport where the spectators can yell “beat his a$$!” while one player pummels another is alright in my book.

 

I started a new job recently, and it’s been crazy! I like it because it’s challenging and puts me out outside of my comfort zone. It’s forcing me to use my brain in ways I haven’t in a while… I’m back in a hotel, and having to think from a different perspective, speak to strangers, and not use the f-word quite so much. An added bonus is I get my own office!! which I plan to decorate for the holidays. I have a 3-foot tree with lights and decorations, and I even have an “apple spice and delight” scented candle in my office right now. Next I’ll bring in a gingerbread scented one!

 

Yes, I have an office! It’s exciting and lovely and I enjoy it. I’ve hung Audrey Hepburn pictures on the walls, and brought in nick-nacks, doo-dads and my little Travelocity Gnome to grace my bookshelves. When it’s not the holiday season I have a cotton candy scented candle that a friend gave me that makes the whole office  – and it’s primary resident (me) – smell like cannnndy! Although this breaks my cardinal rule – that big girls should NEVER smell like food – the effect is quite pleasant.

 

Candles are good for not just setting the mood, but also battling the one weird problem i my office. There’s a weird dog-food type odor near my desk, like someone mixed kibbles n’ bits together with kashi cereal (which is the consistently and flavor of dry cat food) and left a bowl of this mixture under my desk for my personal pleasure.

 

At least three times a day I find myself sitting in my office, working on BEOs and then… *sniff sniff* “where’s is that coming from?” I stop my work, and climb under my desk looking for the answer. I look crazy doing this, but what’s new. My co-workers should get a taste now of who they are working with. To date, I haven’t found the kashi-kibbles mix, just an old calendar and some post-it notes and a Cheerio, which I think is mine. Nevertheless, I know it’s there somewhere, taunting me. And ruining the effect of my holiday sensory experience.

 

Um… so yeah… I guess if that’s my biggest complaint on my new office I’m doing ok! The only thing missing from my office right now is the “emergency flask”… if you know what I mean.

 

What else is new? Sorry I haven’t posted in a while! The job offer and subsequent change happened really quickly, and right as the BFE and I were planning a weekend trip to Atlanta to visit the fam. We ended up taking Ojeda so he could have his first “Hotlanta” experience, and to go to a Baptist Church for the first time. Our trip, as it turned out, was over Pride Weekend, which added it’s own element of hilarity to the whole weekend. Our hotel overlooked Peachtree Street so we had a great view of the festivities. I understand that the guys especially enjoyed the parade of pink tutus on Saturday afternoon, while I was getting dressed. 🙂

 

This was my first trip home where I didn’t leave feeling really homesick and ready to plot my move back to Atlanta. I think we’re finally settling into a groove here in Orlando, and it feels like home, which is nice. Getting our own place – the BFE and I – really helped. It was a bonus for my pants-free habits, but also a really sweet little “nest” for us. It’s feels like our place.

 

Speaking of our place, our bedrooms windows are perfect for spying on our neighbors! We live catercorner to a super cute gay couple, and I enjoy spying on their entertaining and outgoing social life. Hey, it’s not wrong… it’s happening right outside my window. Which I have the blinds closed to. While I stare unabashedly to find out what’s going on. With the lights off so they can’t tell I’m a Peeping Tom. In my opinion it’s their bad for keeping their windows open! And being so loud when they fight.

 

The other night around 11pm they were arguing in the courtyard, and one of them stormed upstairs to pack up his things and leave. BFE and I were already in bed (we’re such an old couple, I mean, 11 pm and in bed? really???) but we woke up to someone shouting “dont f#cking touch me!” BFE gave me the play by play while I relaxed in bed. It was a nice bonding experience for us… stogether.

 

Hey don’t judge. every couple has their hobbies.

 

In unrelated news I just realized that my nightgown that I put on while enjoying Pants-Off Thursday is actually on inside out. I’ve been wearing it for 3 and a half hours and just now noticed. I think that’s a sign to log off now.

 

More posts to come again soon! Y’all miss me?

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Update – We’re Broke, Our Wedding Isn’t Going to Make You Any Money!

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Wow.

 

So a few days ago, I posted about how my contact information had been unknowingly shared with a realtor via David’s Bridal (see: We’re Broke, Our Wedding Isn’t Going to Make You Any Money!). Having asked to be taken off the mailing list, I was VERY surprised to receive the SAME EMAIL from the SAME REALTOR less than 24 hours later.

 

Now, you might argue that it can take a few days to take someone off a mailing list – this is true. Working with mailing lists at work has taught me a few things, and the emails she is sending are not using “mailing lists”. For one thing, there was no option to unsubscribe, and for another, she wouldn’t have been able to add the email addresses in to the “to field” – it all would have been blind copied. She is simply copying and pasting names into the “to” field on her own email account. Only this time, she got smart and the second go-around she at least used the “bcc” field. Tricksy Baggins (sorry, a Lord of the Rings reference).

 

Getting the email again got me fired up… so I did what I should have done in the first place. I called the DB store and asked for the store manager. I told her what was going on, how I did not give them permission to share my info with a REALTOR, and how inappropriate and unprofessional this was. Clearly this store manager has taken a few customer service classes: she listened to my situation, empathized with how frustrated I was, apologized for the inconvenience and took immediate action.

 

She was unsure how a realtor got on their vendor list in the first place, but she assured me that she would contact corporate and have her removed, and would make sure that I did not receive future emails to my personal email address. Bam. Problem solved.

 

I feel a bit bad for realtor lady – she was just trying to drum up some business – but the tenor of her approach was inappropriate, and I think she needs a few lessons on how to network. Gaining contact by stalking future brides via email is out of control, but she’s not the only guilty party – someone within David’s Bridal allowed this to happen. I don’t know if my complaints ruined her relationship with the store. Should I feel guilty??

Paranoia

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I believe that the honeybuns in the office vending machine are out to get me.

 

 Have you ever noticed that about 2 hours after eating a Lean Cuisine meal you’re even hungrier than you were before having it?

There I am, standing in the lunchroom, dutifully heating up my 320 calorie Lean Cuisine lunch, and my eyes stray to the vending machine. I try to be sly, just glazing over ALL the selections, but I know where my heart is… inside the sugary center of the honeybun on the bottom row.

As I stand there, I SWEAR that I can hear it calling me, tauntingly, begging me to take it back to my desk, asking me to claim it as my own. With herculean effort I beak my gaze and head back to the microwave, where my lunch is finally done heating up (BTW, my little frozen veggie egg roll and rice took EIGHT MINUTES to cook!).

I stir my rice and prepare my meal, and try to think of all the reasons why I shouldn’t abandon my lunch in favor of a honeybun:

  1. It’s 700 calories.
  2. It’s in a vending machine. Who knows how long it’s been sitting there?
  3. It’s 700 calories.
  4. It’s full of useless sugar that I do not need unless I’m trying to become a diabetic.
  5. It’s 700 calories.
  6. It’s full of weird preservatives (I know, I’m eating a frozen lean cuisine, so what’s the difference? Which leads me to point # 7:
  7. It’s 700 calories.

Shying past the vending machine to ease out the door, I cast one final look at the 700-calorie honeybun, knowing that we’re not meant to be. I head back to my desk to scarf down my sad little lunch before my next meeting.

Just so you know, my eggroll was not as beautifully crispy as it appeared on the box. I’ve had the Lean Cuisine pot stickers and rice before, and LOVED it, so thought I’d venture further and try the eggroll. Per the instructions, I slit the plastic covering the dish to help steam the rice and eggroll. The sauce from the rice made the already oversteamed eggroll super soggy (WHO STEAMS AN EGGROLL?!? Oh, lean cuisine does LOL) and what had looked like a delectable lunchtime treat on the box was now a sad,  bland, soggy reality at my desk. With 35 minutes left before my meeting and a tight budget, I had no choice but to choke down the sad, sad little eggroll.

As I whimper quietly over my little dish of food, I thought longingly of my super sticky sweet partner in crime, encased in cellophane and a vending machine. If only we could be together! Alas, it was not meant to be :/

Now how many people do you know daydream about honeybuns?? I either need a vacation or a sugar fix. Stat!

It gets even better!

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Karma or Irony?

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Something happened a few months ago that I’ve been stewing on and just can’t quite determine what I should learn from all of this. So I’m putting it my readers – tell me which part is Karma and which part Irony:

 

A:

I visit my doctor, referred to by many as “hot doctor” to discuss what might be the beginnings of Irritable Bowel Syndrome, or IBS. Some months later, we are matched on e-harmony, and in true Sunburnt Peach style I create a blog post about hot doctor on e-harmony, talk about it on Facebook and send some of his hot doctor pictures to several of my friends (and I really didn’t discriminate: straight, gay, married, single, I sent it to them all). So it’s only natural I should run into him at my local Super-Tarjay.

 

B:

In my attempt to avoid confrontation with hot doctor, I dart down the nearest aisle of the Target.

It just happens to be the toilet paper aisle.

 

So… which part is the karma, and which part the irony??

 

BTW – I am currently seeking a new Primary Care Physician.

Gahh!!! What the Hell!

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What in the world??!?? I was in this total like ZEN state and it just got ruined by a lizard. Again.

Let’s back track a bit.  So on Monday afternoon, in an attempt to get back on track with making exercise a regular part of my routine I decide to take a walk through my neighborhood after dinner.

Can I just say? I live in like, a fricking Stepford paradise sort of. I mean, our neighborhood’s really nice… mellow… pretty. Ok, maybe Stepford’s the wrong way to describe it, but when I walk down the streets listening to my iPod I’m struck with how lush and inviting everyone’s lawns are (except ours). The front porches have cute patio furniture (except ours) and plants (except ours). There are swaying palms and lovely magnolia trees. It’s pretty nice by any standard.

Ok, maybe I’m making our house sound like that trashy one on the corner that has weeds 8 feet high and indigenous vermin living in the bushes nesting in old tires with broken bottles and Four Loko cans littering the steps. That’s entirely untrue. We get the weeds cut at least twice a month and I removed the Four Loko cans after the HOA complained a few times.

The point of all this is, my neighborhood lulls you into this relaxing sense of calm and peacefulness, something I’ve come to appreciate. I’m walking around, down the garden paths, past cute little houses.

But speaking of vermin – I get home and run a nice bath, read a few chapters of “Mr. Darcy Takes a Wife” by Linda Berdoll (MUST READ IF YOU LOVED Pride & Prejudice and want it a little on the dirty side) and just as I’m slipping into my nightgown, I feel something SLITHER down my backside. It was the Christmas Lizard from over a month ago! He was chillaxing in the folds of my nightgown when I put it on. Eeeek!

 I jumped about 3 feet in the air, flapping my airs like a fool before I gained composure. By the time I pulled it together to grab a shoebox to catch him, he was gone, back into the depths of my closet.

FYI – Later that night I was startled from a deep sleep convinced that he was back in my pajamas again. I had to turn on the lights and peek under the bed and shake out the covers, like I was a kid scared after watching too many Freddy Kreuger movies.

Ok, so let’s fast forward to last night. I get home after an AWESOME date (and no, details will not be disclosed) feeling like, totally zen, and walk into my closet, only to see this:

 

WTH?!?! Am I like a lizard whisperer now? Am I running a reptilian nightclub? Disco? Cocktails? Happy Hour? I mean I appreciate them for keeping us bug-free, but seriously, give a gal a little space.

I grabbed him up into a shoebox and released his free-loading butt out onto the porch.

It has been suggested that Mr. Lizard (let’s call him Mr. Geico) has MATED in my closet and now has a little lizard family in there, from whom I have separated him. First of all THANKS for that alarming visual, and I want to know if anyone else would have done different?? Are yall gonna call DFACS on me??

It is a little ironic that I’m a Geico customer.

I’ve seen the same lizard two nights in one week… are we technically going steady now?

My Version of Social Media Marketing

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Goes like this, all via text messages:

Me: Follow my blog dammit! Don’t make me have to tell you twice:

Delto, my BFF: [no response]

Me, 1 day and 11 hours later: Subscribe to my blog or I will be forced to cause you bodily harm!

Delto, an hour and 19 minutes later: ima do it

Me: Right now! Do it right now!

Me, continued: Miss you puddin! I wish you were here!  I’d dry hump your leg and lick your face and hug you til you passed out.

Delto: miss you too…

Me: Good. Now follow my blog ho.

Delto, 7 minutes later: I did I think.

Me: Did you click on the confirmation email? You have to click the email!!

Hey, at least I got another blog subscriber out of it.