Some Observations

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Observations

  • Does anyone else become immediately suspicious whenever companies announce they are changing something to make it better? For example, when McDonald’s announced they were going to start using white meat in their chicken McNuggets. I was thinking – WHAT HAVEYOU BEEN USING UP UNTIL NOW?!? Ew.
  • Pictures on Facebook that make me want to drive, from my state to yours, just to slap you yell “why?!” and drive home? duck-faces, and “Selfies”. Especially multiple selfies of you in the car wearing sunglasses, doing a duckface. Why?!? Why?
  • Another slappable offense a la facebook: excessive pictures of your food. I could not give a flying fart in space about all the “yummy” things you are preparing for yourself. IF I DON’T GET TO EAT IT, I DON’T CARE. Delete.
  • When you ask someone’s opinion, and they say, “do you really want to know?” Yes I want to know, why would I ask? Do you really want to be a jerk, and you’re just prepping me for your surly response? Probably. Everyone’s got their priorities.
  • Does anyone else get annoyed when they’re stuck behind a driver doing BELOW the speed limit? And when you finally pass them, you rubberneck as you’re trying to get a good look at the fool driver whose lack of skill and urgency is ruining it for everyone behind them?
  • New trick I learned about a month ago: best way to “mainline” an Crystal Light energy mix is to toss it back like it was pixie sticks. Learned this one on accident. I was wriggling like a 6-month old puppy for the next 3 hours.
  • It never fails – every time I “let one go” in my office at work, someone walks in like 2 seconds later. I’ve taken to holding them all in, so I don’t poot-bomb someone! Now by the end of the day I’m like a ticking time bomb waiting until I get to the parking lot. Then… “POOF!!!!” Gotta let it out!

 

Please take all of this with a gain of salt. Sometimes – you just gotta let it out!

 

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Prepping for a 5k – Peach style

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I ran my first 5k recently! Sort of.

Well, by “ran”, I mean walked at a decent space.

 

And by “walked” I meant trotted about in my super cute t-shirt that I pimped out with some fab ribbon:

 

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And by “first”, I mean my first 5k that I actually finished before the pace golf cart at the end of the race caught up with me. Or as I like to call it, the “poop out cart”.

I was going to say this all started a few weeks ago, but my story goes back much further than that… to the IOA 5k in 2007, when I signed up to run with my coworkers of the hotel that I was working in at the time. Having never been inclined as a runner, and disagreeing with whole running institution in general (back then I was too cute to sweat!!) I was only participating to be social.

Many of my coworkers were significantly more hardcore, with their ipods in arm bands and cool running shoes. While they were warming up and jogging in place, my friend Cyndi Lou and I were searching for the Budweiser tent. Priorities, priorities.

So it was no surprise that we were quickly outstripped when the race started.

We powerwalked our way to the middle of the walker’s pack and really had decent chance of staying there. Then we got to the firestation. The firemen were hot, and we got distracted. Plus, they had a bathroom, and we hadn’t had the foresight to handle our business back at the starting line! Apparently, neither had several people – by the time our turn came, most of the 5k participants were long gone – and we were stuck in the hood by ourselves. The police escort was no where to be found.

 

That long strange walk back to the finish line was filled with several  act-like-we-belong, don’t-make-contact-with-anyone, yes-i-see-the-little-old-man-tryin-to-holla-at-us-from-his-front-stoop-but-no-i-don’t-want-a-hood-sugar-daddy moments and I learned my lesson: WALK FAST ENOUGH TO NOT GET LEFT.

 

So at this last 5k I did something kinda bad. I CHEATED!

Maybe 10, 15 yards from the point where the 5k trek made a u-turn at the half-way mark, I saw a friend on the other side. So a quickly trotted across the grass to join her, so I wouldn’t be so far behind. Is that bad???

 

I am running a 5k this fall, with my BFE! We are participating in a Disney Run, and I have already started training for this one! Well by training, I mean, thinking of costume ideas. You can’t run a Disney run in shorts, you’ll stand out like a sore thumb.

 

We got some inspiration after cheering our friend Ojeda on at a Diseny Run not too long ago:

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Not really seeing Donald Duck as the direction I’d want to go in, I checked out some of his fellow runner’s costumes, and learned a few things:

 

1 – You don’t need to work out to get muscles for the race!

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2 – Make sure your costume is always easily found in a crowd:

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3 – You can get sweaty and run your butt and do it all in a princess gown.

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4 – Never run alone! Make sure you have a posse of pups – I mean peeps. 🙂

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5 – Spandex is cute for Halloween but a bit too confining for a 5k… just ask this couple. 🙂

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The last 5k I didn’t even work on pimping out my runner’s shirt until the night before, and I’m already 6 months ahead. I am so READY for this 5k!!!!!

What Changed?

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So – totally random (not that random’s anything new on this blog).

Flipping through the channels trying to find something to watch while working on the laptop, and I see the “Twilight: Breaking Dawn, Part 1” is on Showtime. I haven’t seen that movie since it left theaters, so I switched it on.

I was a semi-closeted fan of this series, and snuck away to go watch the last 3 movies with my friends Ojeda and Russell-Ho, neither of which were keen on sharing their Twilight love with anyone else. So the three of us plotted together to be “Twilight Buddies” and go see each film under the cover of darkness. Afterwards, we chatted the film over and it was so great because NO ONE could understand how AWESOME the movies were.

Now here I am, watching this movie a year or so later and OMG. What a train wreck. What was I thinking? What changed in that time?

Things I’ve Noticed Whilst Watching “Twilight: Breaking Dawn, Part 1”:

  1. The wedding is corny. But it’s also funny too, so at least there’s a win.
  2. Edward’s “look at me I’m a moody vampire with a conscience” makeup is REALLY very gray in some scenes. Like, HOW CAN PEOPLE NOT KNOW HE’S A VAMPIRE? Helloooo
  3. Am I a b!tchy bride? Because her dress is kinda fugly. Is that mean?
  4. Bella has tiny, tiny boobs. Like creepy tiny, and her fake hair is like, kinda bad
  5. The imprinting on a little kid thing is just weird. WEIRD. Weeeird!!!!
  6. I feel like this portion of the series is like a morality tale against abortion… just saying. JUST SAYING.
  7. Jasper’s hair is so funny!!
  8. There are clearly some story flaws… for example, does Jacob have little bundles of clothes hidden all over the forests of the tristate area? In one scene his clothes are literally shredding in mid-air as he turns into a wolf… then he will walk out of the forest wearing Hollister’s finest. Does no one else find the weird?
  9. The name Renesmee makes me want to slap pregnant Bella upside the head. Ironically  I named my iPod Bella after reading the 4th book.
  10. Edward never really fully smiles… ever AND he kinda has a bird chest. LOL
  11. The Renesmee baby is a bit creepy. amiright?
  12. The wolf shifting thing is kinda pimp though.

And for the record, I am SO Team Jacob. How can you not be? Although, to be honest, he’s a bit of a drama queen too. Are there any normal boys in Forks??

It’s surprising how embarrassed I feel, realizing that this movie is actually BETTER than the first one, and… GASP… I OWN the first one, because I loved it so much when it came out. At least I wasn’t as bad as my friend Hatake, who TOOK OFF OF WORK to go stand in line and see the first one. Le sigh.

Carlashes?!

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Ok, I did something bad today: I skipped out of my workout a little early to go get my hair did. Don’t judge, a girl’s gotta maintain that ‘do. When you’re a big girl, looking cute is all you’ve got!!

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Skipping out early put me on Orange Avenue, the road I take to the hairdresser’s, a little early. I think it was destined to be, ’cause you won’t BELIEVE the foolishness I saw pulling out of the SoDo SuperTarget: a PINK honda!! With car lashes! I realize there are probably a fww skeptcis reading this. If I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes I would not believe it either. Or – maybesome of you are unsurprised. First of all, I consider it SACRILEGE to DESECRATE your Honda by paintingit PINK. Now I consider pink to be my davorite color (mostly because I look so darn cute wearing it) but pink is not a factory standard color for Hondas. As a hardcore “ride or die” Honda owner, I am appalled that someone would dothis, whatever theirintentions may be. This chick took it beyond the carlashes and pink body paint. She had the word “princess” stenciled in cursive in the rear window. Seriously? That does not make you a princess – it , akes you an idiot. Oh, and I almost left out how she blinged out the door handles with crystals and rhinestones. I wish I had a picture of this, because no one will believe me. Now let’s talk about the car lashes. What in the world???

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I think these things are stupid. Ok, maybe not stupid, but just too epically girly for my taste… says the girl whose favorite color is pink AND watches both say yes to the dress AND say yes to the dress bridesmaids. 🙂 What is the point?? And I felt a little self-conscious about slapping my Disney Annual Passholder magnet on my car’s butt, and there arw people running the streets with fake lashes on their car, in an attempt to make their cars seem like they’re people-like.

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Granted, I named my car – Susie Miranda – but the only spa treatments and makeover she gets is with soap and a hose. Honestly, even if I decided to dress her up a bit I would skip the lashes and go this way:

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Yeah… even though I call my Honda “Susie Miranda” and refer to her infwminie terms I would slap a mustache on her before I would touch the abominable car lash thingies. Besides, it’s not that weird… we all k ow a girlor two with a ‘stache. 🙂

Say NO to Sag… and YES to tricorn hats!!

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Ok, I guess I should start by apologizing profusely for yet again letting an absurd amount of time pass between posts. What stinks is I’ve had so many things ruminating about in my brain, and just no time to share them!

 

This gem I’ve held on to since Saturday, just dying for a few minutes to tick-tack-type it onto my blog. But let me go back a few months, to Thanksgiving. The BFE and I did something that I do my best to NEVER do, unless it is an absolute emergency.

 

We went to Wal-Mart. On Thanksgiving Day, no less.

 

We were taking a dish to a friend’s potluck Thanksgiving Day dinner, and needed a couple of missing ingredients to put it all together. As we are walking in, a young man in front of us stops and bends over to pick up one of the turkey fryers that was on sale, exposing approximately 8-10 inches of red plaid underpants in the process. I couldn’t help myself: “Hey, I can see your underwear!!”

so no to sag

Not ok.

Plaid Guy, pauses, gives me a look that clearly says WTH: “Um… thanks?” Walks away.

BFE tugs my sleeve. “What’s wrong with you??”

Me: “Well it was obviously NOT a secret, I mean, he must have wanted us to know. He even had on decorative undies for the occasion! Christmas is coming!!”

BFE shook his head. I had to hear a lecture throughout our tour of Wal-Mart on how if the guy had bene rude to me then B would have had to deck him, and how he didn’t want to hit people, etc. etc.

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Honestly, I hadn’t seen the “sagging” pants trend in quite a while before this happened, and had forgotten that it was a “thing”.

 

Fast forward a few months, I come across another dude; this guy had clearly put some effort into his outfit, had everything coordinated and tidy, and he was, dare I say it, DAPPER… except for the 8-10 inches of undergarments staring (because “peeking” doesn’t even cover it), staring out at everyone from the back of his ensemble.

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Sporting plaid for the holiday season – festive sagging!

Ok, first of all, how do they stay up? Normally your rear end acts as a natural “shelf” for pants. Do you walk about holding them constantly with one hand? What if you have a two-handed project, like carrying your fast food to the car, or walking the dog and picking up his poo with a bag? Is it a conscious effort to color coordinate the draws with everything else? Do they really think girls find them sexy? Like a girl’s gonna go “oooh, he’s displaying his clean and coordinated panties as a part of a normal highly stylized contemporary mating ritual, I must get with him and make him mine”? Finally, what purpose does showing everyone your unmentionables serve? Now we’re mentioning them, so are they technically still “unmentionables”? I have so many questions.

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What’s funny is I’d forgotten about color coordinated guy until I saw something that sparked even more questions. Driving home from work the other day I saw I young man, probably 13, 14, 15. He was shirtless and showing off his bird chest, kinda in that defiant way, like he’s trying to own it, even though clearly puberty hasn’t come for a visit yet? Anyway, he’s walking down the street, bird-chested and shirtless, with sagging pants. Le Sigh.

 

But that’s not the best part! He was sporting a – wait for it – tricorn hat.

 

Yeah, like Yankee Doodle Dandy, Bee-yotch!

Yeah, like Yankee Doodle Dandy, Bee-yotch!

A TRICORN HAT! Like Captain Jack Sparrow was back, ready to take over the central Florida area!!!

 

Outside of tacky Disney tourists and bad Jack Sparrow Halloween costumes, I thought tricorn hats had disappeared from regular circulation, but here’s bird chest guy, strutting down the street a-la John Travolta from Saturday Night Fever, pimping a dingy, dusty tricorn hat. It was so effing weird.

Not as weird as these guys, but close.

Not as weird as these guys, but close.

I’ve had a few days to think on this, and I’ve come to the conclusion, what if guys stopped with the sagging pants as a “thing” and made tricorn hats the new “thing”??

 

Even women could get in on the new style, and totally rock them. I mean, I would look sooo bad-a$$ in a tricorn hat. You could wear big ones, small ones.

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I would SO rock this hat.

They could become the statement pieces at fashion runways and you could rummage at Marshall’s and TJ Maxx to find discount designer tricorns. You would know that the trend has reached its peak when you see Ryan Seacrest sporting on E!.

Glamourshots ain't got nothin' on my Olan Mills pics with my new tricorn hat!!

Glamourshots ain’t got nothin’ on my Olan Mills pics with my new tricorn hat!!

I’m serious!!! Say NO to sag, and YES to tricorn hats!!!! Who’s with me??!!!!

Parental Theme Park Survival Pack

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The BFE and I took an afternoon to do what Disney Annual Passholders do best: wander around the parks like entitled a$$holes, spending as little money as possible.

We stand in line at our first ride, Star Tours. OOomph… I get hit in the backside by a parent’s backpack. Next line, to see Phineas and Ferb (yes, I’m that kind of dork) and I get bumped by a back packing parent wriggling under the queue line chains to join her kid in front of us in line.

Walking down the sidewalk… wham, another damn back pack to the side. By the fourth backpack, I turn to BFE and begin to speculate, WHAT IS IN THOSE FRIGGING PARENTAL PACKS?

After BFE talks me out of asking a parent head-on about their packaging contents, we spend our wait time in the next queue line coming up with potential items in those mysterious, hulking planning-for-a-trip-down-the-Oregon-Trail back packs full of crap. Then we reached out to friends on Facebook.

Here’s the list we came up with:

– Gluten free snacks, because all kids are gluten intolerant these days, as well as allergic to nuts, berries, dairy and any non-vegan products
– Sugar free juice, so they don’t bounce off the walls
– Baggie of cheerios
– Ponchos for entire family
– Hand sanitizer
– Bug spray
– Sunglasses
– Sun screen
– Pull ups
– Socks
– Child leash, but honestly this doesn’t need to be in a back pack but ON YOUR CHILD
– Hats
– Comb
– Headband
-Nintendo DS, God forbid they be bored in line for 5 minutes
– Backup batteries for the Nintendo DS
– iPad for taking large obnoxious pictures and also for games for the kids – God forbid they be bored in line for 5 minutes
– Autograph books
– Backup autograph books in case the other ones are lost, damaged or filled
– Pens for said autograph books
– Extra pens for autograph books or backup books, whichever comes first
– Hand wipes, for cleaning up after gluten free snacks
– Walkie talkies to coordinate meetups during family reunions, parades, meals or multi-family Disney trips
– Harry potter wand, since people are confused about where “Harry Potter Land” is, and you never know when you will need a wand!
– Child’s polyester princess costume to whip out and quickly pull onto your child’s head for impromptu meet & greets with said child’s favorite Disney Princess (yes, I have seen this happen)
– Shout wipes, self-explanatory
– Stuffed bears, God forbid they be bored in line for 5 minutes
– Commemorative mugs from specialty drinks bought from various parks (these arw usually dangling from the back pack straps, like tin cups from a covered wagon on the Oregon Trail
– Diapers
– Bathing suits for when kids want to run through the sprinklers or for water rides
– Maps from all the parks including universal and sea world, because no one seems to know the difference
– Pirate sword or light saber, depending on child’s preference… once saw a kid with three light sabers on his belt, and our friend Ojeda pondered saber-jacking him even though he was only, like, 5. But that’s another blog post.

Suggested by friends:
– receipts from all the crap they bought at the park that day
– boogie wipes(apparently they are a real thing)
– coloring books
– assorted toys
– treats for potty training
– ear plugs
– a deprivation tank

Dear Lord, no wonder those parents are hunched over and exhausted. It isn’t from running after kids whose brains are about to pop from visiting where Mickey and pineapple floats and the spinnig teacups live. It’s from carrying those piles of crap like damn sherpas.

Going All the Way Today!

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Sorry I haven’t posted in a while!! Life has been incredibly busy, between new job and really getting into wedding planning and working on my fitness, I barely know my ass from my elbow these days.

Today I just wanted to share with you guys how I finally went all the way – and the foolishness that ensued as a result.

My goal for getting ready for my wedding (and losing my “lunchroom lady arms”) is a three-pronged attack: 1 – Working out with Ojeda once or twice a week; 2 – Sticking to my Weight Watchers plan; and 3 – some time of regular cardio). To get my cardio in I’ve been taking classes at a place called Dance Trance for the last month or so… and if you live anywhere there is a studio, check this out!! It’s a fun dance fitness class for those of us that like to shake our boo-tays. If you know me, then you know I’ve been waiting for a fitness class like this. Any class where you learn choreography to songs by Kylie Minogue, Nicki Minaj and T.I. is where I need to be – my favorite song from today’s class involve the lyrics “Call my man again and Ima f$@k you up”. LOL! Any class where the motto is “There are no mistakes, only solos” is my kinda place. 🙂

For the record, this isn’t a shameless plug for Dance Trance Orlando (although I think you should totally go!) but I’m just trying to explain how excited and semi-obsessed I’ve become with this place, and how it’s turning into one of the highlights of my week. But seriously, you should totally go.

I started my DT experience off slow, taking the Beginner’s Class once a week, and then last week I amped it up to the Intermediate Class on one day, and Beginner’s on the other. I enjoyed Intermediate so much that I let my ego get the best of me (FOOL!) and decided I’d check out Regular, Full-on, Make Yo Mama Weep, Bad Ass DT  on my off day this morning, thinking the class would be smaller and I could sneak in.

FOOL!!!!!! I was SO not ready.

First of all, class was NOT small, it was packed with regulars that clearly come every Monday for this class, proving just how popular all of the classes are. Second of all, I started class off in the way I know best – I accidentally smacked the pregnant woman next to me in class. I smacked her during warm-ups and we accidentally bumped into each other for the next three songs, during which I alternated between groaning with exhaustion and yelping “sorry!” as I ran into Pregnant Lady. She was very good about it. Hopefully we can be friends. 🙂

Thirdly, I discovered that, when under duress, the backs of my knees, my chin, my calves and my eyeballs can all produce sweat. Rubbing the sweat out of my eyes not only burned but I also almost lost a contact lens. I literally could not tell if I was crying or just sweating from my eyelids/ eyeballs. On top of that, I got out-danced by a 26-week pregnant woman. There were times I was facing the exact wrong direction from the rest of the class, and at one point I took a seat to regain my composure and also asses the chin/calf-sweat problem. I was sweating from the roots of my hair to the space between my toes. When I stood up from my seat, I realized that I’d left a butt-sweat stamp on the chair. So not cute. When the instructor mentioned learning a new routine tomorrow night, I muttered “Oh God, no” out loud before my brain could stop itself. Pregnant Lady giggled.

By the end, although I really had fun, I was begging for release. I limped my soggy worn out butt back to my car – not in defeat, but relief that I’d made it through Regular Bad Ass DT and it was over. There was not one part of me that wasn’t sweaty. I’m hoping that at the very least I burned enough calories to cover that non-Weight Watchers-sanctioned philly cheesesteak from Friday’s Date Night.

Seriously, with every song I sweat my way through, I pray that I’m burning off stored fat from late nights of college drinking and those bad cases of the munchies. I’m sweating off years of bud lights, cheap vodka and french onion dip. And I can’t think of a more fun, although miserably sweaty, way to do it.

Getting home I could barely make it up the stairs of my condo without pausing for a breath. “Worn Out” doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel. I’m too gross to sit on the couch, so I’m Indian-style on the hardwood floor for easy clean up from my puddle of shame. I am so happy I took that class… Regular Slap-Yo-Mama Dance Trance is not easy, but it gives me something to work my way up to. Honestly, Intermediate will feel like a vacay after this, and the bonus is there aren’t any pregnant ladies to outdance me in that class. 🙂

Maybe the title of this blog should be ” Smacking Pregnant Ladies and Sweating with a Smile”.

southern peach