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The Peach-Bean Strategem

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I know, I know. It’s been like 80 years. My bad yall.

 

In my defense, I’ve spent the last year in a whirlwind: engagement, wedding, now we are expecting!! Holy smokes right?

 

The Bean (yes, we call our son-to-be The Bean) is due in about 3 weeks, and I am so ready. As excited as we are about having our Bean here with us, this has been one long, long long pregnancy. I’ve gone through night sweats, day sweats, crazy dreams, swollen ankles, gigantic growing boobs, a waistline that refuses to give up the ghost resulting in a “B” belly silhouette that just makes me look fatter, broken underwire (while I was wearing it), waistbands of underwear just popping at work, swollen fingers that can’t wear my wedding rings, senseless crying, and many other ailments. I can no longer feel the urge to pee (thanks to my shifted bladder), so I just wear panty liners and do a lot of precautionary bathroom visits. I toddle about like a penguin from place to place bringing humor to whoever sees me, and get stuck in chairs in an endearing habit that the hubs calls “turtling”. My boss and GM have offered to buy Segway for me to get around the hotel. I’ve considered taking them up on it.

 

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What you can’t see here is that the elastic in my underwear’s waistband is busted, as is myunderwire… and my dignity.

 

All of this will be worth it once The Bean is here! Right?!?

 

So… anyway… that’s my excuse for being such a horrible slacker on my blog. I have missed this. So many stories and hot messes that I haven’t shared, hilarities that I didn’t document in their full glory. I hope I can make up for that.

 

For example, I’ve had one client recently tell me that she didn’t realize that I was pregnant, but just thought I was getting fatter (!) while another was trying to add up on her fingers the months between my wedding and due date to make sure “it added up right”. I swear on my life this stuff is really true. And I missed blogging about it.

 

Then there’s the creepy lady in the Honeybaked Hams that as snifing me and talking about how we have the same credit cards in a nutty, “Single White/ Black Female” kinda scenario… and the lady in the Asian restaurant we go to that gave the Hubs a high-five for… and I swear on y life this happened… for KNOCKING ME UP! Yes. YES. Her words, not mine. Hubs was grinning from ear to ear. I turned red, a pretty amazing feat for a brown girl.

 

So much I’ve missed in my blogging hiatus.

 

Right now I’m just focused on one goal: Evicting the Bean. I love him so, but that will not stop me from serving him with a notice to vacate. The doctor keeps saying “big people have big babies” and seems to be on this mission to convince me that my baby will be born as the Son of Hulk, but so far nothing. The back and forth game of will he/ won’t he is pushing me to the edge, and I’m ready to take this into my own hands.

 

I call it the Peach-Bean Strategem, after one of my favorite episodes of Doctor Who, the Sontaran Strategem.

There are several steps to this process, and we will carefully follow each one to ensure a swift victory:

  1. Start eating spicy food more often.
  2. Enjoy more bouncy time on my yoga ball.
  3. Um… physical congress (yall get my drift)
  4. More walks (or penguin toddles) around the lake by our house.
  5. The tried and true method: the Eggplant Parmesan from Scalini’s.

 

# 5 is really the piece de resistance… the no-holds barred, guaranteed final step in the Bean Eviction Notice… women in Atlanta have been standing by this recipe for years. Messy Jessy the BFF added this one to my Strategem. As a Peach myself I feel I stand a good chance of this working for me too.

 

Bee (yall know him as the BBE, BFE, now the BHE   – Best Husband Ever) seems willing to go along with the plan. I can’t tell if he’s truly on board, or just afraid of his pregnant wife who seems to be endowed with superhuman strength, yet still seems to todle like a penguin, and get stuck in chairs like an upside down turtle.

 

Granted, the Peach-Bean Strategem may be as doomed as the Sontaran Strategem ( read the synopsis of the episode), but I’m sure it will make for some good stories. In the interim I plan to spend some quality time with the Bee, go do adult stuff that I probably won’t be able to d much of for a few years(any suggestions welcome), and take lots of naps in between my plotting, spicy food and yoga ball humping.

Yall pray for us…

 

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The Badass, The Mushroom and The Little Guy

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Sliding into my seat at the Mellow Mushroom tonight, I looked around at my friends Reyes, Love and Bryce and just giggled. I was giddy with the story I needed to tell them, and eventually that giggling turned into full on laughter as I started the story:

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A few days ago while having lunch with my friend Stee she tells me a story about the newest guy in her life… apparently their love was “forbidden”. Well forbidden by company policy at least, and she accidentally spilled the beans to some of her work friends during a drunken night out.

Bear in mind, my friend Stee is one of the most badass people I know – she’s not afraid of anything, speaks her mind without hesitation. She always makes me laugh with the stories she tells about life, boys and work. At our engagement dinner, she had me cackling with her description of how break a guy’s car windshield without getting caught by using a brick tied to a rope. I’ve never asked her how she seems to have first hand knowledge of this particular how-to skill, I just take it all in as part of the Stee Package. The Stee Package is full of unexpected hilarity and by proxy, adventure. So when she starts to tell me a story, I listen, because I know it’s going to be good. There’s also the chance that I’ll learn a new how-to skill. :p

According to her, the gaffe where she blurts out her new dating status came about after her work friends kept talking about the new Moroccan guy, not knowing that they were together… she got irritated after hearing them say over and over:”he’d be so cute if only he were taller”.

I stopped her there. “What do you mean… if he were taller?”

She gave me a funny look. “He’s a little… short.”

“Ok. So? How short?”

“Um… 4’11?”

….?

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I paused in telling my story to my friends at the Mellow Mushroom to gauge their reaction, and just as I thought, they proved why they are my friends. They laughed. Lord help us all, they laughed. Ever since Stee told me this story earlier in the week, I’d been holding in my laughter, knowing that by laughing any more than I already had that I was proving that I was pretty horrible! Granted, I’d already proven I was a horrible person, because of what happened after Stee told me his height:

“I’m sorry, did you say 4’11?”

“Yes.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yep, I’m pretty sure. Why?”

I began howling like a hyena. “Because that makes him a little person! You’ve been hooking up with a little person! That’s hilarious!” I continued laughing until I cried. gasping for air, tears squeezing out of my eyes.

“Shut up!!! He’s not a little person!” Then she said the immortal words that sent me over the edge: “Stop making fun of my little man!”

The did it for me. I was screaming, knees buckling, laughing all of the air out of my lungs. We were standing in the restaurant parking lot, and I braced myself on the trunk of her car to keep from falling down with convulsions of laughter. It wasn’t his size that made me laugh, it was just the irony of it all. Of course, she would be the one to hook up with a little person from Morocco! To see her indignant look was all too much. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry – I have nothing against… little people. I have the utmost respect for them. It’s just that you were 5 foot 9, and he’s 4 foot 11. How is it that you never told me about this guy??”

“It’s no big thing – it’s not like we’re dating or whatever. I’m getting transferred to another city, so we always knew it was only temporary. I just don’t see the big deal.”

“Ok, ok, fine. I’ll respect your … little relationship… bwahahahahaha!” I just couldn’t help myself. “You’re hooking up with a little person!”

“He’s not that little! He comes up to here”, indicating the base of her nose. “I only have to bend down this far to kiss him… see?” She inclined her head down, as if ducking under a low doorway. It looked like she was trying to break her own neck. I just laughed harder, if that was even possible.

I begged her to let me blog about it. “Don’t make fun of me and my little guy!”

I tittered, “can that be the title of my blog?” She ignored me. I laughed some more.

By this point we’d made our way into the restaurant for lunch, and had taken a seat. I was determined to compose myself and finally pulled it together. We chatted about other topics, and things were back in track until Stee started looking over my shoulder with a funny look, then looking at me, then back over my shoulder. Finally, I look over my shoulder and see… a littler person waiting to be seated with some friends. I looked at Stee, and she burst into laughter. It’s like he’d been placed there, at that moment, in that restaurant just to drive home the point. We are horrible people.

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When elating this story to my friends at the dinner table, I was a little nervous that they would think I was a horrible person, but as I told them the story, they responded as only my friends would: by laughing like howler monkeys. I turned to Reyes, telling her that I’d been worried all week about telling any of my friends, in the event that they would think me a horrible person. Earlier in the week, I’d told the BFE about about it, adding that I planned to blog about it. Being the kind, good-hearted half of me that he is, the BFE cautioned me against it, since some people might be offended. At dinner tonight Reyes reminded me that I’m not friends with any of those people. All of my friends would find it funny.

I explained that I wasn’t sure how to tell the story, as much as I wanted to share it with others. How to relate the details? To give the gist and cadence of our conversation? Telling it as I told my friends at dinner tonight was the only thing that made sense.

I don’t know why but after relating my story to my friends I relaxed and smiled. I think it’s knowing that I have such appalling friends that would laugh at my story really made me feel better. I know – I’m terrible for laughing at my friend’s shenanigans, and there will be some people reading this that will be appalled and offended by my post. All I can say to that group is that at some point, everyone has a moment of political incorrectness, and if they’re lucky, they’ll have friends around to laugh at them and tell them it’s okay.

Two things came out of this: I have exactly the kind of friends I should have, and love & attraction can be found anywhere, even between the badass and the little guy.

The Sunburnt Peach Gets Engaged

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We are doing it! We’re engaged! Wedding boards on pinterest and baby fever vocalizations be damned! He’s accepted my crazy and we are taking the plunge and this is awesome!!!

 

Wow. That’s a lot of verbal diarrhea right there. But I think it’s affective at getting the points across.

 

So the BBE proposed about 3 weeks ago, and we’re both just as delighted as can be. 🙂 Naturally one of the first things we do after telling our parents and immediate family was to post it on Facebook (ok this is naturally one of the first things I did, not him). Just to prove how much Facebook itself stalks its members within minutes my ads on the side had changed:

 

 

Seriously?? I mean, come on FB. That’s not even subtle anymore.

And speaking of seriously, we really are seriously happy and excited. It’s crazy: sometimes while we’re laughing or talking or watching TV we’ll both just stop and stare at each other, and my heart just melts. I’ve never felt so happy or so blessed. I found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. How lucky am I???? I just hope we don’t make anyone puke when they come in contact with, as Messy Jessy puts it, our “love bubble”.

 

Speaking of Messy Jessy, I’ve already asked her to be my maid of honor!! I’m pretty sure she’s going to rock at this – if it’s even possible, she’s more excited than I am about our wedding! She and my two sisters will stand up with me in a small wedding on an island in the Bahamas. Since she and my two sisters are both skinny bitches, I’ve placed them all on 4,000 calorie a day diets, which they are to follow up until our wedding day in September 2013. Sure, they’ll probably have heart problems, shortness of breath and need to have  their blood pressure taken at the end of the aisle, but at least that ensures I’ll be the cutest, SKINNIEST girl up there!!! Actually Messy has already punched a hole right through that plan, so I’m going with plan B: actually losing weight myself instead of force-feeding my skinnier bridesmaids.

Yes, pinterest boards are being updated daily as we find new ideas that flesh out how we want our wedding experience to happen: http://pinterest.com/reneemynette/. Yeah, at least now I can pin to my 3 wedding boards without him rolling his eyes… much. 🙂

Oh, and by the way… I’m sure my future blogs will have random wedding tidbits but you can get the full scoop on  our wedding and engagement escapades on http://ourbigfatcruiselinewedding.wordpress.com!

Anyhoo… here’s our engagement story, from my POV and the BBE’s. 🙂 That’s right, the BBE gets a guest spot on my blog this week 🙂 Now that we’re engaged, does his name change to Best Fiance Ever? BFE??

 

Ok, now for my Side of the Engagement Story:

“I just remember getting a random text one Saturday afternoon, asking if I wanted to go to watch fireworks the following night. Fireworks being one of my favorite things to do, I naturally said yes! He asked which location was my favorite and insisted on us going there.

So on a balmy Sunday evening, we headed over to EPCOT to watch fireworks, share a funny cake and cuddle. It was shaping up to be a great night. As the fireworks burst overhead, he leaned in… and said…

“You drive me crazy, you know that?”

WHO SAYS THAT??! LOL

Being the polite well-behaved young woman I am, I smiled nicely and said, “thank you” and continued to watch the fireworks from our bench.

He leans in again, and I’m thinking “ok, what doozie is he going to come up with now?” and He says…

“But I love you… very much”

I smiled and started to say I love you! and watched in surprise as he slid down off the bench and onto one knee and popped a ring box out of his pocket. Right there, in the middle of the park, in one of my most favorite places in the world, this man I loved more than anything was asking me the BIG QUESTION. Being the polite well-behaved woman that I am, I shrieked “What are you doing! What are you doing?!?” over and over. I couldn’t even hear his next words.

His eyes just beamed at me, and there was nothing to say but yes. I hugged him tight so that he wouldn’t see my tears – tears of joy.

The only thing I remember thinking next was “dang, if I’d known I was getting a proposal I probably would have worn a cuter dress and washed my hair”. Typical. Just goes to show that sometimes it doesn’t matter.”

🙂

 

And a word from the BFE:

I can’t remember when exactly I decided to propose to her, but I know I’d been thinking of it for a while. My biggest hang-up was not having a ring. Of course I wanted to do it right and have a nice shiny ring to give her, but those things are pricey! Finally I’d saved up enough and decided that the moment had arrived. But first I had to decide which shiny pretty thing to get her. That’s where a couple of her friends come in. I enlisted them as my secret agents to help me pick out her newest piece of jewelry. After a few dozen emails back and forth the decision was made!

Many months ago I somehow managed to get her talking about her ideal wedding proposal. Don’t ask me how, but somehow I did. Turns out she’s got a sweet spot for fireworks. So I decided that I’d give it a go and asked her if she wanted to go see some fireworks at Disney the next night. I wanted to make sure I got the right fireworks so I asked her what her favorite was. Of course it was Epcot, so away we went!

We got ourselves some funnel cake and sat down to enjoy the show. A few minutes in I lean over and tell her “You know, you drive me crazy”. She laughs a little and goes back to the show. I lean over again and say “But I still love you”. At that point I slip off the bench, land on one knee and pull out the little ring box.

The rest is, as they say, history.

 

Private Space

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Interesting. I’d like to hear your thoughts on this. Do yall think I went too far?

 

I got a LOT of flack for the post I created last night… so much so, that it’s now password protected.

 

I’ve heard everything from “why say such mean things about people to make yourself feel better” and “why use such vulgar language” to “what if that post re-surfaces and bites you in the butt later when you’re looking for another job, etc”.

 

The last concern was what finally made me decide to password-protect the post. If you want to read it again, just ask me.

 

What I’m struggling with is the guilt that I now feel for expressing myself in my personal space. I see Sunburnt Peach as my place to vent, share thoughts and share stories both hilarious and strange. I don’t like the idea of being constricted by people’s expectations or disappointments in my behavior, and I’m ashamed to say that I fall victim to it all too often.

 

My original intention when creating this blog site in April of last year was to have  a place where I captured all of my “stuff”: the good, bad and ridiculous. It’s been suggested that I could lose friends over what I wrote… I counter that with “if I lose you as a friend over one post, I have to question the friendship.” If you’re my friend, I will do anything I can for you – before you even ask. We would never get to the point of the situations I listed in my blog, because there’s open communication between friends, even ones that don’t talk every day. Furthermore, FRIENDS don’t do use other friends. 

 

I still think it is wrong for people to take advantage of others in thoughtless, self-serving ways. I still plan to say “NO” a lot more often (which will be easier now that I no longer have perks to give out to people). I’m still sick of being nice while people walk all over me because I’m too much of a pansy to stand up for myself. I can be a pushy jerk sometimes, but when my back’s to the wall I will cave. I know other people who do this as well, and I’m sick of watching it happen to them too. It’s unfair that nice people lose so often, because of the crappy people who ruin it for everyone.

 

…and posting what I wrote yesterday doesn’t mean I’m not “nice” either. No one’s perfect, and everyone gets fed up at some point. If you think less of me for what I wrote yesterday, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I offended you, and I’m sorry that one post would make you think so less of me.

 

Not to be arrogant but I am a smart girl. I don’t think that using four-letter words denotes a lack of intellect or vocabulary. In fact, I think that four-letter words are frequently a more apt and succinct way of sharing your emotions with fewer words. Maybe it makes me vulgar… and I’m offended by being called vulgar… but I do my best to pick the time and place that I use any language. I wouldn’t use 8-syllable words around 2nd graders, and I wouldn’t say sh!t while sitting next to an elder in church. I’m not stupid, I’m not new to the world, I just need a place to write down what’s going on in my head.

 

Moving forward, I don’t think I’ll be publishing a post quite as spectacularly full of fireworkds and shock as what I posted last night. But hear this: if you continue to follow me, it’s gonna be quite a ride. I can’t promise every post will be sunshine and puppies and hugs, but they won’t be mean-ness and anger either. They will be… me. So you’ll have to take me as I am 🙂

 

Get It Right Or I’ll Cut You

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So with less than one month until my “double triple” birthday, I’ve decided it’s time to take a stand.

 

This is on behalf of ALL December babies: “Happy Birthday/ Merry Christmas” presents are NOT acceptable. Unless it involves jewelry or a puppy.

 

I’m not asking for presents or anything, that’s not what’s important to me. I just feel so passed over when someone lumps their Happy Birthday greeting in with Merry Christmas.

 

Honestly, when it’s Thanksgiving, do I show up at YOUR house, hand you a can of cranberry sauce and say ” Happy Birthdaysgiving!”? Or maybe at a 4th of July  cookout, hand you a hot dog and sparkler and shout, “Here ya go, Happy Fourth of Birthday!”

 

Seriously though, every year when my birthday comes around, I take that time to reflect on my past year. After all, my birthday IS the end of my year. It’s like my own mini New Year!

Reflecting upon reflecting… is that what I’m doing in this blog?? LOL

 

Amazing Things That Have Happened in my 32nd year:

  1. settling into the amazing new promotion with a job I LOVE
  2. creating deeper friendships with some pretty cool people (Lisa R, Ky, the Webbies and others)
  3. continuing my already amazing relationships with other people (Christian, Messy Jessy & the Atlanta Crew)
  4. re-kindling old friendships (C-Russell Ho)
  5. Taking my first cruise – on the largest cruise ship in the world, no less
  6. Falling off of a carousel horse while drunk on my first cruise – on the largest cruise ship in the world, no less
  7. Spending an afternoon sitting on an amazing Caribbean beach, staring at the endless blue ocean
  8. Learning how to play golf
  9. Getting selecting for the Get Fit With Nick program and starting my weight lost journey
  10. STARTING THIS BLOG
  11. Meeting and falling in love with an absolutely amazing person
  12. Re-claiming my sense of self-worth instead of letting others devalue me and thus, devalue myself.
  13. Becoming a mentor to a kid that really appreciates me.
  14. Maintaining a meaningful and loving relationship with someone that loves me back
  15. Finding a person that I think I could grow old with.
  16. Receiving my first bouquet of flowers from a guy, along with a card that says “Thank You for Your Love”
  17. Realizing that I have parents that will put my happiness first and foremost and not judge decisions I make that they might not agree with… and will support me in whatever I do.
  18. Having enough gumption to step back and count my blessings.

 

 

Crappy Things That Have Happened in my 32nd year:

1. Going on the WORST DATE ever with a guy whose credit card got declined – and I had to pay

2. Dating in a dead end relationship – which thankfully ended (should I put this in the other category?)

3. Ending what I thought were meaningful friendships… I really never though friendships could end.

4. Not going to church as much as I should… mostly because I’m too lazy to get out of bed

5. Getting athlete’s foot (ew)

6. ?

7. ?

8. ?

9. ?

10. ?

 

When you really step back and take stock of your life, and the people and things that make it up, so often you find many more blessings than you think you have. I have written in other blogs about how I want to make my mark in the world… what I didn’t take into account is how much others have left their mark on me. It makes me thankful for the good and the bad. Every bit of it makes up who I am. And I like me 🙂

 

It reminds me of that Carrie Underwood song, “Lessons Learned” … everything that happens to you is an opportunity to learn something that will help you, or help someone else in return. I’m thankful that, for some kooky reason, something about who I am forces me to reflect each birthday on where I’ve come from and where I’m headed. Without it, I’d be running around in big fat circles.

 

“Lessons Learned”

There’s some things that I regret,
Some words I wish had gone unsaid,
Some starts,
That had some bitter endings,
Been some bad times I’ve been through,
Damage I cannot undo,
Some things,
I wish I could do all all over again,
But it don’t really matter,
Life gets that much harder,
It makes you that much stronger,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

[Chorus:]
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I’d get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I’m thankful, for every break in my heart,
I’m grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

There’s mistakes that I have made,
Some chances I just threw away,
Some roads,
I never should’ve taken,
Been some signs I didn’t see,
Hearts that I hurt needlessly,
Some wounds,
That I wish I could have one more chance to mend,
But it don’t make no difference,
The past can’t be rewritten,
You get the life you’re given,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

[Chorus:]
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I’d get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I’m thankful, for every break in my heart,
I’m grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

And all the things that break you,
Are all the things that make you strong,
You can’t change the past,
Cause it’s gone,
And you just gotta move on,
Because it’s all,
Lessons learned.

[Chorus:]
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I’d get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I’m thankful, for every break in my heart,
I’m grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Lessons learned.

A Quick Facebook Excercise: Or, Why I Never Go To Wal-Mart

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So I totally stole the idea for this blog from a friend who posted something similar on Facebook. Isn’t that where the best creativity comes from?? No seriously, I had a theatre professor in college that said that.

 

You’re at Walmart, list the first nine people under your friends list:

(ok, first of all, let’s address the fact that I would NEVER be in Wal-Mart. That place stresses me out. I am a Tar-jay girl. You coudl just say I have a “Wal-Mart allergy”)

 

 

1. Looking at Justin Bieber poster: the BBE! WTF?

(there would be lots of questions if I say this happening. LOTS.)

 

2. Lost in Walmart: KP

(she would NOT be lost in the Wal-Mart, she’d be walking around looking for the manager to explain to him that his organization skills inside the store are somewhat lacking. Love ya KP!!)

 

3. Riding the bicycles: Get Fit With Nick Ed

(ok, this actually makes sense. although the part about me being in the Wal-Mart at all is still confusing)

 

 

4. Planning to blow up the place: Lisa R.

well she is a lil gangsta.

 

5. Looking at the barbie toys: Kevin O.

He’s probably looking to buy them for the children he plans to adopt one day…  He also says his favorite kid names are Mildew and Garnier because he like the way they sound. I guess that’s slightly better than “Shithead” (pronounced “Shih-thay-ed”)

 

6. Taking pics of themselves: Jill C.

My partner in crime during the Get Fit With Nick Challenge. She once told me that unlike over people that are overweight she doesn’t feel like she looks bad. She looks at herself in the mirror and thinks “Damn! I look good!” So I can her standing in the Olan Mills Photography Studio, ready to get her GlamourShot on.

 

7. Hiding in the clothes racks scaring people: Littlest Sis

Her sense of humor is way way off. Like, cheese slipped off the cracker, a few crayons short of a full box kinda off. So no surprise there.

8. Stalking a hot guy: Delton

One of my BFFs, I could totally see him doing this, lurking in the aisles, watching him from afar. GOOD GRIEF. My friends are all sociopaths. What does this say about me??

 

9. Sliding down aisles in their socks: Christian

’nuff said.

He’d giggle while doing it too.