Tag Archives: closet

Lane Bryant Can Kiss My…

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I needed leggings. I went to my trusty girlfriend, Lane Bryant at her nearby store to get some and they were… drumroll please… TWENTY FIVE DOLLARS.

So I thought, “well frick that!” I’m going to visit my other BFF Target and I’ll find them there cheaper. And I did.

For $7.

In every size but mine.

So I bought the closest (yet too small) size, convinced that I could make them work. After sweating and writhing like a fat fool on my closet floor, I finally rested… with the leggings firmly stuck around my thighs, cutting off circulation. In the process I’d also put a giant run in them.

I pulled out one of my other trusty friends, the suck ’em up panties and finally got them on. I felt like a stuffed sausage, and ever step I took make this zwoop-zwoop-zwopp sound, that was my thighs rubbing together in the tights. It was a tragic sight.

All I could think about as I was bent over huffing and puffing into those tights and staring at the big run I’d just put in them was… “effing Lane Bryant. This is HER fault! Why are her prices so high?!? Ms. Bryant can kiss the very fattest part of my big brown stuffed sausage ass.

 (Side note: Ok, in the long run, I realize it’s my fault for eating sausage (and other bad but good eats) that led me to even patronize Lane Bryant’s fine clothing establishment in the first place. I KNOW that. So readers, please refrain from pointing out the obvious and let me just rant please. :))

Standing there in the closet I realized that, at this present weight, if I want to wear tights I really don’t have a lot of choices: as much as she and I are on the outs right now I just might HAVE to buy leggings/ tights from Lane Bryant, with her highly inflated prices. Being a big girl is NOT cheap… clothes cost more! Well, cute clothes anyway. Especially at LB. Every time I flick over a tag on one of their full priced items, the cost literally makes me gasp. Am I just too cheap to be a big girl? There’s no reason that a basic white tank top should cost $25. I mean, for $25, can’t a sista at least have a “shelf” in there for a little extra support??

And I’m even madder that she made me think of sausage! Sausage is soooo not on the Get Fit With Nick plan.

 Not cool, LB. Not cool.

Here’s My Sign, Don’t Say I Didn’t Warn You

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I think it’s a universal truth that when you’re first dating someone you work really hard to tuck your crazy safely out of sight until they’re way too sucked in to care. Then, once they’re hooked on how awesome you are, you start to let out the crazy in a slow trickle, like a silent fart or a tire with a nail in it. Is that a fair statement?

So WHY is it that, the more that you try to be hide the crazy the faster and more profusely it just pops out?? It’s like trying to fit size DDD boobs into a DD bra or constantly squeezing your butt into a pair of spanx… and I have been down THAT road enough to know. Eventually it’s not so cute anymore.

Here’s a novel idea – why don’t we all just wear our crazy on signs? Or hell, at least stop trying so hard to hide it. Wave that freak flag (not so) high! At least then it’s not so shocking since you’ve let them in on the secret from the beginning.

So when some of your crazy slips out at, say, a quiet restaurant while laughing at fart jokes with crumbs on your chest, and that special person looks at you like you’ve got two heads, you can be like “it was on my sign, you can’t say I didn’t warn you”.

Imagine how awesome it is when the circus act that is your life (starring the bearded lady) is happening all around the two of you and he’s not running straight for the next train out of CrazyTown. In fact, he’s willing to become a resident, because let’s face it, anyone that accepts your crazy so readily probably has a few fire-eating, lion-taming, trapeze-flying, anvil-juggling acts of nutso of his own and has been looking for someone just like you.

Seriously, think Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey… two big circus joined into one giant mega circus. Way more entertaining, right?

Maybe it’s a good thing to know that, no matter how much of your weirdness is on display or hidden away, the people that matter still want to stick around. It’s the test of whether it’s meant to be or not. I mean who wants to wear spanx all the time? Peeing in those is a real bitch.

Closet Lizard Sighting!

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I just found the lizard in my closet!! Well actually he found me.

I was walking in there to put away flip flops and there he was, sitting in the closet doorway, just chillaxin.

Fortunately I kept my wits about me (not true), didn’t scream like an idiot (also not true) and run in the opposite direction (yep. Grace under pressure, that’s me).

He scurried into the inside of my favorite brown suede mary jane pumps (don’t judge my fashion choices) and I managed to keep him there while running through my room to deposit him outdoors (true) all while singing soothing songs to keep him calm (again, don’t judge).

Haha, and in the background? ACDC’s “Back in Black” playing on Pandora. It was all a bit surreal.

At least I won’t be finding a crispy lizard when it’s time to pull out the Christmas ornaments 🙂 .