Tag Archives: crazy

My Monday Morning.

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My morning:

4:15 am – Bean spontaneously bursts into tears for the 2nd time of the night (presumably because he didn’t like either of the three pacifiers that were in his crib and within arm’s reach, or because his blankets are too warm, or because he’s lonely and begins a meltdown of epic proportions that only 3 teething tablets, a bottle and copious rocking can fix. I finally rock him to sleep, pop the pacifier in his mouth like a stopper and crawl back into bed at 4:56 am.

5:30 am – Alarm goes off, hubs tries to wake me up. I tell him to shove it where the sun doesn’t shine, and snooze the alarm until 5:45. He wakes me at 5:45, and I lay there, pondering if calling in for the day to both work and parenthood is an option.

5:50 am – I get Bean out of his crib, and bring him back to our bedroom. Normally this would be enough to wake him, but he sleeps like the dead this morning (overnight meltdowns can wear you out, after all) and is essentially a rag doll as I undress him and get him ready for his bath. I take off his diaper. Still no response. I stand him up for a second. He wakes up, looks at me, smiles… and pees all over the front of my nightgown, soaking the front straight through to my underwear. I scream, cup his junk to catch the pee and run straight into the bathroom and shove him into the shower at my husband. Then I pull off my nightgown and underwear, shaking my head – now we are both awake!!

6:15 am – Bean is bathed, lotioned and diapered without incident. I attempt to put on Bean’s shoes. It’s like stuffing marshmallows into a box. I finally get them on, and he kicks them off.

6:20 am – I finish dressing Bean in his super cute outfit for picture day at school. I put his jaunty and well-coordinated bandana bib around his neck. He smiles up at me, turns his head and vomits down the sleeve of his ensemble.

6:25 am – I hand Bean over to hubs to clean him up and put his shoes back on. Hubs crows at me about how HE was able to put Bean’s shoes on… and I watch as Bean kicks them back off, one by one. 🙂 *small win but I’ll take it*

6:35 am – I finally get out of the shower and begin to get dressed for work. We leave the house 15 minutes later.

Happy Monday Folks!!

The Peach-Bean Strategem

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I know, I know. It’s been like 80 years. My bad yall.

 

In my defense, I’ve spent the last year in a whirlwind: engagement, wedding, now we are expecting!! Holy smokes right?

 

The Bean (yes, we call our son-to-be The Bean) is due in about 3 weeks, and I am so ready. As excited as we are about having our Bean here with us, this has been one long, long long pregnancy. I’ve gone through night sweats, day sweats, crazy dreams, swollen ankles, gigantic growing boobs, a waistline that refuses to give up the ghost resulting in a “B” belly silhouette that just makes me look fatter, broken underwire (while I was wearing it), waistbands of underwear just popping at work, swollen fingers that can’t wear my wedding rings, senseless crying, and many other ailments. I can no longer feel the urge to pee (thanks to my shifted bladder), so I just wear panty liners and do a lot of precautionary bathroom visits. I toddle about like a penguin from place to place bringing humor to whoever sees me, and get stuck in chairs in an endearing habit that the hubs calls “turtling”. My boss and GM have offered to buy Segway for me to get around the hotel. I’ve considered taking them up on it.

 

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What you can’t see here is that the elastic in my underwear’s waistband is busted, as is myunderwire… and my dignity.

 

All of this will be worth it once The Bean is here! Right?!?

 

So… anyway… that’s my excuse for being such a horrible slacker on my blog. I have missed this. So many stories and hot messes that I haven’t shared, hilarities that I didn’t document in their full glory. I hope I can make up for that.

 

For example, I’ve had one client recently tell me that she didn’t realize that I was pregnant, but just thought I was getting fatter (!) while another was trying to add up on her fingers the months between my wedding and due date to make sure “it added up right”. I swear on my life this stuff is really true. And I missed blogging about it.

 

Then there’s the creepy lady in the Honeybaked Hams that as snifing me and talking about how we have the same credit cards in a nutty, “Single White/ Black Female” kinda scenario… and the lady in the Asian restaurant we go to that gave the Hubs a high-five for… and I swear on y life this happened… for KNOCKING ME UP! Yes. YES. Her words, not mine. Hubs was grinning from ear to ear. I turned red, a pretty amazing feat for a brown girl.

 

So much I’ve missed in my blogging hiatus.

 

Right now I’m just focused on one goal: Evicting the Bean. I love him so, but that will not stop me from serving him with a notice to vacate. The doctor keeps saying “big people have big babies” and seems to be on this mission to convince me that my baby will be born as the Son of Hulk, but so far nothing. The back and forth game of will he/ won’t he is pushing me to the edge, and I’m ready to take this into my own hands.

 

I call it the Peach-Bean Strategem, after one of my favorite episodes of Doctor Who, the Sontaran Strategem.

There are several steps to this process, and we will carefully follow each one to ensure a swift victory:

  1. Start eating spicy food more often.
  2. Enjoy more bouncy time on my yoga ball.
  3. Um… physical congress (yall get my drift)
  4. More walks (or penguin toddles) around the lake by our house.
  5. The tried and true method: the Eggplant Parmesan from Scalini’s.

 

# 5 is really the piece de resistance… the no-holds barred, guaranteed final step in the Bean Eviction Notice… women in Atlanta have been standing by this recipe for years. Messy Jessy the BFF added this one to my Strategem. As a Peach myself I feel I stand a good chance of this working for me too.

 

Bee (yall know him as the BBE, BFE, now the BHE   – Best Husband Ever) seems willing to go along with the plan. I can’t tell if he’s truly on board, or just afraid of his pregnant wife who seems to be endowed with superhuman strength, yet still seems to todle like a penguin, and get stuck in chairs like an upside down turtle.

 

Granted, the Peach-Bean Strategem may be as doomed as the Sontaran Strategem ( read the synopsis of the episode), but I’m sure it will make for some good stories. In the interim I plan to spend some quality time with the Bee, go do adult stuff that I probably won’t be able to d much of for a few years(any suggestions welcome), and take lots of naps in between my plotting, spicy food and yoga ball humping.

Yall pray for us…

 

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It’s My Birthday! No, not really.

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So I know you guys will enjoy this…

 

My clients that just left after a two-week program took us out to dinner at Kobe as a thank –you… totally unexpected and very, very cool. The staff for this conference was mostly male, and mostly pranksters. Every day, they pulled a new one on me!

 

So I should not have been at all surprised when after dinner, this dude with a giant drum comes BANG-BANG-BANG into the hibachi room, followed by one of our servers with a cupcake on a plate.

 

During dinner, we’d been talking about upcoming birthdays among the staff, so I’m clapping along with everyone else, trying to figure out whose birthday it is. I was virtually… no LITERALLY speechless when she plops that cupcake in front of me, lights the candle with her little lighter and starts leading everyone into a round f “happy birthday”.

 

My birthday is in December.

 

I was horrified and out of breath from trying not to laugh outright at our poor little server, who, by proxy, was now party to this joke. I’m also craning my neck around, trying to figure out WHO DID THIS.

 

As I’m struggling to breathe, and trying to work it all out, she crams this hat on my head.

happy birthday lol

THIS is why I don’t like restaurants singing happy birthday to me. Once when I was turning 16 I went with friends to a Bennigan’s on my birthday, where they made me dance on a chair waving sugar packets in my hands like castanets. I’ve been traumatized ever since.

 

 

Anyhoo, for the rest of the conference (we had one more day with them), every conference staff member snickered out a “happy birthday”

 

They all kindly signed my hat, so I will never forget them. Not that I ever really would but… 🙂

signed har

 

Apparently One Size DOES NOT Fit Most

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onesize

 

So… I was telling the BFE about my visit to the Farmer’s Market with Messy Jessy last week, and he stopped me and told me that I should blogging about what happened. So here I am.

 

Let me first start by saying that this is NOT a rant about being a big girl in a size 2 world… I am more happier with myself and my life than I hae ever been. I know I have to lose weight, and it’s a process. This is about other people, and their awkward WTF statements.

 

So here’s what happened:

Messy Jessy came down to visit this past weekend, and found ourselves wandering around the Farmer’s Market in Winter Garden. I was excited, since I’d been wanting to go to this Farmer’s Market for a while, but always missed it! I was starting to think it was the Shangri-la of Winter Garden… or perhaps a desert oasis for the farmer’s market challenged. I swear, EVERY TIME I tried to go, the fricking thing wasn’t there.

 

So we’re wandering around, amused at all the different vendors and their wares, and, thanks to the mobile credit card apps that all vendors have these days, unfettered by the “oh, sorry I don’t have any cash” excuse. We were literally sitting ducks for every adorable hat-making, custom jewelry-selling, home-made pickling, hippie-smelling soap-making tent in that place.

 

But I digress.

 

We walked into the coolest tent in the place – this lady made the coolest aprons evarrrr!!! Jessy and I ooh-ed and aah-ed so much that the proprietess comes over and enthusiastic shows us her different styles and patterns. Just as I’m flicking through the racks and debating which card I can charge my new apron to that will least upset Mr. Scrooge – I mean, BFE – the  proprietess comes over and puts her hand on my shoulder. Her first mistake.

 

First of all… don’t touch me. I don’t know you. We are not cool. She clearly did not realize that my personal space is protected by a social contract I maintain with everyone around me, an invisible bubble that only those of my choosing are allowed to enter.

 

So I was already unsettled by the touching with Apron Woman upped the ante and added the piece de resistance: “I just want to let you know, I have PLENTY of clients that are YOUR SIZE so I’d be happy to make to take your measurements, and in a couple of weeks you can come back and pick up your own apron!”

 

WHAAAT?!!?! It’s an apron!! I thought aprons were like umbrellas, ponchos and socks” one size fits most!

 

Seriously – should I be getting measured for aprons now? Shopping in the husky section for my kitchen attire? I am so confused. I have aprons at home, aprons that I share with my skinnier BFE, and I feel like they still do a pretty good job of covering the necessary areas.

 

After getting schooled on proper apron attire, I thanked said proprietess, removed my personal space out of her reach, and headed to a tent that is DEFINITELY “one size fits most”: the headbands and hair clips tent.  Or should I get measured for one of those too?

 

Well I do have a big head. 🙂 Bigger than most?

 

southern peach

Say NO to Sag… and YES to tricorn hats!!

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Ok, I guess I should start by apologizing profusely for yet again letting an absurd amount of time pass between posts. What stinks is I’ve had so many things ruminating about in my brain, and just no time to share them!

 

This gem I’ve held on to since Saturday, just dying for a few minutes to tick-tack-type it onto my blog. But let me go back a few months, to Thanksgiving. The BFE and I did something that I do my best to NEVER do, unless it is an absolute emergency.

 

We went to Wal-Mart. On Thanksgiving Day, no less.

 

We were taking a dish to a friend’s potluck Thanksgiving Day dinner, and needed a couple of missing ingredients to put it all together. As we are walking in, a young man in front of us stops and bends over to pick up one of the turkey fryers that was on sale, exposing approximately 8-10 inches of red plaid underpants in the process. I couldn’t help myself: “Hey, I can see your underwear!!”

so no to sag

Not ok.

Plaid Guy, pauses, gives me a look that clearly says WTH: “Um… thanks?” Walks away.

BFE tugs my sleeve. “What’s wrong with you??”

Me: “Well it was obviously NOT a secret, I mean, he must have wanted us to know. He even had on decorative undies for the occasion! Christmas is coming!!”

BFE shook his head. I had to hear a lecture throughout our tour of Wal-Mart on how if the guy had bene rude to me then B would have had to deck him, and how he didn’t want to hit people, etc. etc.

pants on the ground

Honestly, I hadn’t seen the “sagging” pants trend in quite a while before this happened, and had forgotten that it was a “thing”.

 

Fast forward a few months, I come across another dude; this guy had clearly put some effort into his outfit, had everything coordinated and tidy, and he was, dare I say it, DAPPER… except for the 8-10 inches of undergarments staring (because “peeking” doesn’t even cover it), staring out at everyone from the back of his ensemble.

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Sporting plaid for the holiday season – festive sagging!

Ok, first of all, how do they stay up? Normally your rear end acts as a natural “shelf” for pants. Do you walk about holding them constantly with one hand? What if you have a two-handed project, like carrying your fast food to the car, or walking the dog and picking up his poo with a bag? Is it a conscious effort to color coordinate the draws with everything else? Do they really think girls find them sexy? Like a girl’s gonna go “oooh, he’s displaying his clean and coordinated panties as a part of a normal highly stylized contemporary mating ritual, I must get with him and make him mine”? Finally, what purpose does showing everyone your unmentionables serve? Now we’re mentioning them, so are they technically still “unmentionables”? I have so many questions.

no ok

What’s funny is I’d forgotten about color coordinated guy until I saw something that sparked even more questions. Driving home from work the other day I saw I young man, probably 13, 14, 15. He was shirtless and showing off his bird chest, kinda in that defiant way, like he’s trying to own it, even though clearly puberty hasn’t come for a visit yet? Anyway, he’s walking down the street, bird-chested and shirtless, with sagging pants. Le Sigh.

 

But that’s not the best part! He was sporting a – wait for it – tricorn hat.

 

Yeah, like Yankee Doodle Dandy, Bee-yotch!

Yeah, like Yankee Doodle Dandy, Bee-yotch!

A TRICORN HAT! Like Captain Jack Sparrow was back, ready to take over the central Florida area!!!

 

Outside of tacky Disney tourists and bad Jack Sparrow Halloween costumes, I thought tricorn hats had disappeared from regular circulation, but here’s bird chest guy, strutting down the street a-la John Travolta from Saturday Night Fever, pimping a dingy, dusty tricorn hat. It was so effing weird.

Not as weird as these guys, but close.

Not as weird as these guys, but close.

I’ve had a few days to think on this, and I’ve come to the conclusion, what if guys stopped with the sagging pants as a “thing” and made tricorn hats the new “thing”??

 

Even women could get in on the new style, and totally rock them. I mean, I would look sooo bad-a$$ in a tricorn hat. You could wear big ones, small ones.

so rock this

I would SO rock this hat.

They could become the statement pieces at fashion runways and you could rummage at Marshall’s and TJ Maxx to find discount designer tricorns. You would know that the trend has reached its peak when you see Ryan Seacrest sporting on E!.

Glamourshots ain't got nothin' on my Olan Mills pics with my new tricorn hat!!

Glamourshots ain’t got nothin’ on my Olan Mills pics with my new tricorn hat!!

I’m serious!!! Say NO to sag, and YES to tricorn hats!!!! Who’s with me??!!!!

Road Trip!!

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So…  with tomorrow being Thanksgiving , and the holiday season of traveling to and fro and visiting friends and family is about to begin! It got me to thinking back to about a month and some change ago, when I went home to Atlanta for a quick weekend jaunt, and the BFE and I took Ojeda with us.

 

God bless. It was a hot mess.

 

There’s something about guys – you out them in groups, and they conspire and join forces on the craziest sh!t. We left Orlando really early and I guess the early morning rush combined with their general loopiness to great a cacophony of mayhem and foolishness. Pretty early in I decided to journal all of the stuff that happened on our ride up – otherwise no one would believe it. So here it goes…

 

 

5:41 am – BFE and Ojeda come up with a new product that turns your farts into floral smells. They nominate me as the spokesperson and even come up with a commercial. The slogan: “do it with dignity”.

 

6:04 am – BFE drove and I played with Google Sky Map while the stars were still out. HOW HAVE I NEVER KNOWN ABOUT THIS APP?? So neat!

 

7:21 am – We stop at Mickey D’s. Ojeda argues with the cashier over coffee. Dude keeps asking him “How do you want your coffee?”, and O keeps responding, “with cream and sugar”, only to get a response from cashier dude of  “yes but how do you want it?”I could see O turning red and immediately add this event to our trip report.

They ask for a name for our order and I toy with the idea of giving them the name “Primrose Everdeen” so I could yell “I volunteer as tribute!” I know it’s cliche but I do not care.

 

9:04 am – While driving through Tifton, GA (the Reading Capitol of the World) and BFE gets cut off by a large SUV. We pass the vehicle, curious to look at the driver, and debate whether it was a redneck version of Pat from SNL or Honey Boo-Boos mama. Then BFE and O contest that Tifton, GA could not possibly be the reading capitol of the world. I tell them both to stfu.

 

9:20 am – BFE and O argue that computers have only 3 uses for guys: email, facebook and porn. Apparently girls only use computers for email, facebook and pinterest.

 

9:26 am – Pass an old, run-down farmhouse. Ojeda, my Southern-illiterate friend, asks, “is that a plantation?” I tell him to stfu. He asks if plantations are like haciendas. I tell him again: stfu. BFE giggles.

 

10:14 am – We argued over whether pandas and koalas are bears. Fact: koalas are marsupials and pandas are bears. Also discussed acid rain. For some reason, BFE mimics acid rain with a disco beat. Strange. He drives on in silence.

 

10:24 am – Stop at Pilot plaza outside of Macon for gas and bio break. I see a gas truck there. I point and laugh “Bahaha where do gas trucks get gas?!” No one laughs. Guys begin serious discussion of diesel versus gas, and fuel planes fueling mid-air, etc. I don’t understand how fuel planes are more interesting than my gas truck joke. Boys suck.

 

10:36 am – B asks whether to take 75 N through Macon or 475 around Macon. After much debate we decide to take 75 N. O jokes, “you know whichever route we take it is going to be the wrong one!” Immediately the speed limit drops from 65 to 55. B’s all like, “we should have taken 475!” I think he just said that to be on O’s side. Just sayin.

 

10:41 am – Pass sign that says in all caps “lust drags you to hell”. Ain’t that the truth. Interesting change from all the anti-abortion signs, “truck driver lounge/ massage” advertisements and stripper billboards that you usually see in South GA and North FL.

 

10:51 am – Learned something new today. B and O argue about the origin of mobile homes. B says mobile homes are called such because they are from Mobile, AL. O insists it is because they are mobile. Research on the snopes.com website confirms that D is correct.

 

11:00 am – Ojeda reads myths from snopes.com and we guess whether they’re true or false. We’re obviously running out of material.

 

11:40 am – Traffic slows for accident. Ojeda rolls down window and signals to driver driving Dodge Caravan in next lane to see if we can get over. Driver looks at him and then stares straight ahead, continuing to edge forward with no knowledge of O’s request. String of 4 letter words ensues. Once we pass accident BFE floors it to stream past Dodge Caravan dude while I fist pump in the air. I didn’t see it but suspect that Ojeda flipped him off.

 

12:04 pm – Finally – THANK YOU SWEET BABY JESUS! – we arrive in Atlanta. Ojeda yells “ATL Dirty South B!tches!!!! …Oh mylanta!”  out the window with complete abandon. We check in on Facebook at the Pink Pony South. We have arrived!

Choosing My Attitude!

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Lately I’ve been working on this theory I have – if you choose your attitude, no matter what, your day will be a good one.

People often think of me as this bubbly, perky person. I have no idea where this idea came from. I’m kinda of an a-hole. I try not to be, but I have some a-hole tendencies. When I’m frustrated or if the “triumvirate” occurs: hungry, hot tired – then the a-hole tendencies show up in spades.

That said, I’m determined to work on my interactions with others, and my overall outlook by choosing my attitude each day. I make a conscious decision to be pleasant and friendly to others, to smile, and to be a positive force wherever I go. Mostly to work on being myself, and occasionally just to eff with people. I am an a-hole after all. 🙂

Some day positive thinking works, and some days I get home with a desperate need to bang my head against the wall. I’m doing my best to get up everyday and just keep trying again. My hope is eventually the positive days will outweigh the crappy ones, and I’ll lose less brain cells and make fewer holes in the walls of our new condo.

Yesterday and today are perfect examples of the dichotomy of my positivity efforts: I was fully prepared last night to write a blog about how my experiment in positive thinking was totally working. Yesterday I had a great day at work, was incredibly productive, smiled, felt good, headed over to the Whole Foods where they were playing “Barracuda” in the grocery store which put a little wriggle in my step, joked with another lady that was shopping about how, since it was her birthday, she should just get TWO cupcakes instead of agonizing over which ONE cupcake to get. I walked out of the store feeling just as energized as I had all day.

I got home and had a great dinner with the BFE, we talked about our workdays over dinner, worked out together later, and just generally had a great evening. The positivity from my Awesome Day carried over into my morning today, and I tidied up our condo before I left for work, made myself breakfast, and bounced out of the door to work – ON TIME (sort of). Today had a great start!

Then – it happened.

This WOMAN in a RED SUV zipped out from behind a slow-moving school bus and cut me off on my way to work. This wouldn’t normally be a big deal, but I almost rear-ended her because of how close she cut it. If I had, it would have been the 2nd dent left in her bumper – clearly she’d tried this crap before. I honked at her, to express my displeasure, and she FLIPPED ME OFF! WTH? So I waved my finger in the air in a “no you di-in’t!” kind of way, and tried to let it go. I could see in her side rearview that she was yelling things at me, and then she slammed on her breaks. Seriously. I didn’t think people still did that kind of stuff.

I tried to get around her, but she haphazardly slid her car halfway into the other lane to block me then slid back over. I could see her in her side mirror, making faces like a maniac! It was unreal. Why exert so much energy and nastiness at a stranger? A stranger YOU cut off in the first place? This woman was a bully. A grown-up, ignorant, sorry-ass bully. In a red SUV.

 

Remember that scene in the movie Fried Green Tomatoes where Kathy Bates’ character goes nuts and rams the back of the little compact car of those two skanks that steal her parking space? She rams the car over and over while yelling Towanda!!! In my mind, I had an “Ally McBeal” moment just like that, where instead of slamming on my brakes to avoid red SUV lady’s already abused bumper, I slammed on the gas and went full steam ahead, crunching her trunk into her backseat. When she got out to yell some more and assess the damage, I simply shouted “Towanda!!!!!” while simultaneously punching her in the throat and kidneys. Onlooking drivers cheered for me from their cars, like I was a gladiator in the ring, grateful that I’d taken the middle school bully down a notch and taught her what happens to aggressive social psychopaths that ruin the morning drive for everyone.

In reality I slowed down and let her speed on. The truth of it was, I wanted nothing to do with her nonsense, I just wanted to get over it. The encounter left me shaky, my heart was racing and my palms a little sweaty. I do NOT like confrontations! And these days you never know what that person is going to do, or just how crazy they are. I remember a story back in Atlanta, where a road-raged-fuled driver would get so angry in traffic that he started baking potatoes every night so that he could throw them at the cars of drivers he thought weren’t driving properly. That’s nothing compared to drivers that prefer bullets over potatoes.

 

The whole point is, red SUV lady’s behavior kinda pooped all over my day. I mean, a massive Debbie Downer kinda feeling, all before 9 am. I struggled to find the bright side to any of what happened, and just couldn’t. I even thought to myself that harboring ill will wouldn’t do any good, but I hoped in my heart of hearts that I’d see her again and cut HER off to see how SHE liked it. Christ commanded us to love our neighbors. I struggle with that part sometimes, especially with the only “love” I have for someone is my “love tap” I wanna give their car, or how I’d “love” to slap them across the face. I said I was an a-hole. Look, I’m trying ok?

 

The poopy feeling carried over into the rest of my day, and the funk of crappiness just settled over everything for a while. It took several hours before I remembered to CHOOSE MY ATTITUDE and get back with the program. An evening with friends and the love of my life helped with that. By bed time, things were right as rain.

 

Seriously, this attitude stuff is a process. It’s hard at times, but I’ve found the more I try the better my days go. The urge to smile comes quicker, the laughter and the jests with the people around me. I’m less inspired to punch people in the throat and spleen and visions of Kathy Bates and her battle cry “Towanda!” are fewer and further in between.

 

Am I still an a-hole? Pretty much. But at least I’m choosing to work on it!