Tag Archives: emails

…annnnd the company I keep (who also lets me blog about them)

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My friend Ojeda is a regular source of entertainment and hilarity for me. We’ve known each other for about 6 years now, and as much as he drives me nuts he keeps me grounded… and constantly laughing. On a regular basis he says something that makes me stare at him and say “you know when you’re old you’re gonna be the most racist old Cuban man in the retirement home” and “You know can’t tell stories about tampons in public! Out loud!!” and “no, we will not steal Star Wars toys from that five year old” (see previous post).

Me and my Cuban Brotha from Anotha’ Mutha’ (who makes some meat cuban pork)

Being Cuban, he often pulls out these off the cuff statement regarding Cuban culture, and then looks at us all like we’re nuts for looking at him like he’s nuts.

Example from last Sunday:

BFE, Ojeda and two of our fairly normal (heh) friends are strolling around the World Showcase at EPCOT, and stop in the Outpost are to look at the shops. Ojeda spots a collection of beautifully carved elephants.

Ojeda: You know, it’s customary in Cuban households to have an elephant in your house somewhere.

**We are stare blankly**

Ojeda: You know, an elephant statue.

**We continue to stare blankly**

Ojeda: It’s for good luck. But it’s only good luck if the elephant’s ass is facing the front door. That’s the way it works.

***We continue to stare blankly**

Ojeda: Shut up! It’s my culture!!!!!

I love him to bits. He’s like the crazy Cuban brother I never had, because that would be weird and require a lot of explaining. And considering he’s confused Alabama and Georgia before, asking “what’s the difference??” he’s definitely not Southern enough to be my brother. But considering we both have zero filter, there’s a good chance we are still related.

Today’s email between me and Ojeda about plans we all have for tonight. I’ve highlighted the craziest parts in bold red for easier reading.

From: Ojeda
To: Peach
Subject: Tonight’s dinner

I want to let you know there’s a small possibility I may not be able to attend the dinner tonight.  I’ve been having the runs all this morning and still in the afternoon.  I’m also breaking a bit of a sweat and fear I may be coming down with something.

I really want to go, however, because it’s a special dinner and I want to be a part of it.  But in case I feel too sick, I wanted to give you advance notice.

I plan on working late in the office and then heading straight to the hotel.  So it’s best to reach me through email until around 7pm when I’m outside of the office and in cell phone range.

Ojeda

_______________________

From: Peach
To: Ojeda
Cc: BFE
Subject: RE: Tonight’s dinner

Oh no friend!!!! This is no good.

I’m sorry you’re sick. Maybe try flushing you system with some water and maybe Gatorade/ powerade? The bad thing about being sick like that is the dehydration that comes with it. It becomes a never-ending cycle because you are losing electrolytes.

I really REALLY hope you can make it but I understand if you cannot be there. Your health is important. If there’s anything you need, please let us know!

–          Peach

_________________

From: Ojeda
To: Peach at Work
Subject: RE: Tonight’s dinner

I’ll definitely keep you posted.  And you’re right about the hydration.  There’s no Gatorade in the office, but I’ve been keeping myself hydrated with a lot of water.  My body, however, is still cramping and I feel the movement to you know where.

Believe me, I want to go…and I expect to.  But just giving you a heads up.  I even wore a collar shirt for today.

Ojeda

________________

From: Peach at Work
To: Ojeda
Subject: RE: Tonight’s dinner

Things that will help your stomach too – the BRAT diet:

Bananas

Rice

Applesauce

Toast

–          Peach

_________________

From: Ojeda

To: Peach at Work
Subject: RE: Tonight’s dinner

Oh, good thing you told me what it stood for.  I was about to go to the nearest elementary and chew on a spoiled kid.

Ojeda

__________________

From: Peach at Work

To: Ojeda

Subject: RE: Tonight’s dinner

I’m totally blogging this.

–          Peach

____________________

From: Ojeda
To: Peach
Subject: RE: Tonight’s dinner

Thanks…I enjoy being part of the blog 😀

Ojeda

This is the company I keep. I hope this explains my crazy, even if it’s just a little bit. No normal person gets emails about the runs, and no normal friend would send them.

I am grateful for my crazy friends, though. Who else would go along with my insane schemes?

Or let me blog about them?

 

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Well played, IT. Well played.

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Are all IT departments at companies like the one at my place of business? See below.

I got this email in my inbox yesterday afternoon, in response to an event invite I sent out:

—–Original Message—–

From: administrator@randomcompany.com

Sent: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:19 PM

To: Renee M.

Subject: Symantec Mail Security detected prohibited content in a message sent from your address  

Location of the message:  SMTP

Sender of the message: <Renee M> Subject of the message:  Payment Confirmation/Receipt for XYZ event

 

The message was Quarantined

 

This was done due to the following Symantec Mail Security settings:

Scan: Auto-Protect

Rule: New rule for Body Words

Violating term(s):

                Penis (Matchlist name : Message Body Words)

 YES. You read that right. Someone’s system server is accusing me of sending an email with the word PENIS in it! PENIS!

 

 

So I forward it to the smartest guys in the office,  my IT Help Desk folks. Big mistake. HUGE.

—–Original Message—–
From: Renee M.

Sent: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:05 PM
To: IT Help Desk (Please use Track-It!)
Subject: FW: Symantec Mail Security detected prohibited content in a message sent from your address  

What is this?!?!?

As a result, I got a smart ass answer. I nearly choked to death on my morning coffee when I came in the next morning to this answer:

From: Helpful Yet Smart Ass IT guy #1

Sent: Wednesday, January 18, 2012 8:19 AM
To: Renee M

Cc: IT Help Desk (Please use Track-It!)
Subject: RE: Symantec Mail Security detected prohibited content in a message sent from your address

 

  1. pe·nis/ˈpēnis/
Noun:
  1. The male genital organ of higher vertebrates, carrying the duct for the transfer of sperm during copulation. In humans and most other…
  2. A type of male copulatory organ present in some invertebrates, such as gastropod mollusks.

He followed this nugget of knowledge with this statement: Apparently you guys need to know what you are talking about before educating the general public.

And just in case that wasn’t enough:

From: Helpful Yet Smart Ass IT guy #2

Sent: Wednesday, January 18, 2012 8:23 AM
To: Helpful Yet Smart Ass IT guy #1; Renee M
Cc:  IT Help Desk (Please use Track-It!)
Subject: RE: Symantec Mail Security detected prohibited content in a message sent from your address 

That’s a mouthful!!

TRUE. EFFING. STORY.

I’ve since been advised that I was spared their original response, which involved wikipedia.

Another day in the life of a Sunburnt Peach.

 

An Essay on Dating

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Pasted excerpt from a REAL email I wrote back in October

From: Renee M

Sent: Thursday, October 07, 2010 11:12 AM
To: ALL

Subject: An Essay – yes, this is a true story

 

Why I can’t date like a normal person, By Renee M

We met at Fun Spot yesterday afternoon for date number 2, and he surprised me by taking me on the go-karts! It was fun! Then I lost my blackberry on the go-karts and it got run over, along with my Vera Bradley wallet, which got destroyed. Like destroyed as in there were burn marks on the ripped pieces. I’m just lucky my checkcard and driver’s license were intact.

He kept apologizing non-stop, and I kept telling him don’t worry about it, it was my fault for bringing it with my on the ride. The attendants couldn’t find the phone, just the battery and the back to the case. He joked that we should have gone on the bumper boats because at least I would have seen where my phone landed. I laughed, because honestly it was funny and I was trying not to be sad in front of him, so I sucked it in and just smiled and said that’s what insurance is for J …was that graceful?? 

Oh wait, did I mention the part where I almost fell while trying to get out of the go kart and he had to help me out?

We left and went to this Thai place called Red Bamboo. It was really good!! We talked and laughed, it was really fun. We talked about a little bit of everything, including his restaurant, my work, everything really. LOL we even talked about his family in India, and how Indian people talk LOL I told him about what Southern people really mean when they say “bless your heart”. 

After we left the Thai place, I figured I’d go check at FunSpot one more time to see if they had found my phone. They found it!!! I practically hugged everyone there. It’s a bit dinged up, but still very functional.

So that’s pretty much how my date went. I had a lot of fun, embarrassed myself on the go-karts and got outstripped by an 8 year old who tried to bump me off the track before losing my personal items. Did I mention that I dropped food off my fork twice at dinner? That the straw in my water almost cut my lip?? Super classy, that’s me. J 

Even after all that, he expressed an interest in seeing me again! LMAO

I’m going out with Eric the Sugar Daddy next week. I’m really excited about that – let’s see, what can I do to top this date? Set my clothing on fire? 

– renee