Tag Archives: fat

Paranoia

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I believe that the honeybuns in the office vending machine are out to get me.

 

 Have you ever noticed that about 2 hours after eating a Lean Cuisine meal you’re even hungrier than you were before having it?

There I am, standing in the lunchroom, dutifully heating up my 320 calorie Lean Cuisine lunch, and my eyes stray to the vending machine. I try to be sly, just glazing over ALL the selections, but I know where my heart is… inside the sugary center of the honeybun on the bottom row.

As I stand there, I SWEAR that I can hear it calling me, tauntingly, begging me to take it back to my desk, asking me to claim it as my own. With herculean effort I beak my gaze and head back to the microwave, where my lunch is finally done heating up (BTW, my little frozen veggie egg roll and rice took EIGHT MINUTES to cook!).

I stir my rice and prepare my meal, and try to think of all the reasons why I shouldn’t abandon my lunch in favor of a honeybun:

  1. It’s 700 calories.
  2. It’s in a vending machine. Who knows how long it’s been sitting there?
  3. It’s 700 calories.
  4. It’s full of useless sugar that I do not need unless I’m trying to become a diabetic.
  5. It’s 700 calories.
  6. It’s full of weird preservatives (I know, I’m eating a frozen lean cuisine, so what’s the difference? Which leads me to point # 7:
  7. It’s 700 calories.

Shying past the vending machine to ease out the door, I cast one final look at the 700-calorie honeybun, knowing that we’re not meant to be. I head back to my desk to scarf down my sad little lunch before my next meeting.

Just so you know, my eggroll was not as beautifully crispy as it appeared on the box. I’ve had the Lean Cuisine pot stickers and rice before, and LOVED it, so thought I’d venture further and try the eggroll. Per the instructions, I slit the plastic covering the dish to help steam the rice and eggroll. The sauce from the rice made the already oversteamed eggroll super soggy (WHO STEAMS AN EGGROLL?!? Oh, lean cuisine does LOL) and what had looked like a delectable lunchtime treat on the box was now a sad,  bland, soggy reality at my desk. With 35 minutes left before my meeting and a tight budget, I had no choice but to choke down the sad, sad little eggroll.

As I whimper quietly over my little dish of food, I thought longingly of my super sticky sweet partner in crime, encased in cellophane and a vending machine. If only we could be together! Alas, it was not meant to be :/

Now how many people do you know daydream about honeybuns?? I either need a vacation or a sugar fix. Stat!

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Lane Bryant Can Kiss My…

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I needed leggings. I went to my trusty girlfriend, Lane Bryant at her nearby store to get some and they were… drumroll please… TWENTY FIVE DOLLARS.

So I thought, “well frick that!” I’m going to visit my other BFF Target and I’ll find them there cheaper. And I did.

For $7.

In every size but mine.

So I bought the closest (yet too small) size, convinced that I could make them work. After sweating and writhing like a fat fool on my closet floor, I finally rested… with the leggings firmly stuck around my thighs, cutting off circulation. In the process I’d also put a giant run in them.

I pulled out one of my other trusty friends, the suck ’em up panties and finally got them on. I felt like a stuffed sausage, and ever step I took make this zwoop-zwoop-zwopp sound, that was my thighs rubbing together in the tights. It was a tragic sight.

All I could think about as I was bent over huffing and puffing into those tights and staring at the big run I’d just put in them was… “effing Lane Bryant. This is HER fault! Why are her prices so high?!? Ms. Bryant can kiss the very fattest part of my big brown stuffed sausage ass.

 (Side note: Ok, in the long run, I realize it’s my fault for eating sausage (and other bad but good eats) that led me to even patronize Lane Bryant’s fine clothing establishment in the first place. I KNOW that. So readers, please refrain from pointing out the obvious and let me just rant please. :))

Standing there in the closet I realized that, at this present weight, if I want to wear tights I really don’t have a lot of choices: as much as she and I are on the outs right now I just might HAVE to buy leggings/ tights from Lane Bryant, with her highly inflated prices. Being a big girl is NOT cheap… clothes cost more! Well, cute clothes anyway. Especially at LB. Every time I flick over a tag on one of their full priced items, the cost literally makes me gasp. Am I just too cheap to be a big girl? There’s no reason that a basic white tank top should cost $25. I mean, for $25, can’t a sista at least have a “shelf” in there for a little extra support??

And I’m even madder that she made me think of sausage! Sausage is soooo not on the Get Fit With Nick plan.

 Not cool, LB. Not cool.