Tag Archives: kids

10 Days – 8 Fears

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8 Fears

8. Fear of dying old and alone

This mostly stems from my fear of being unlovable, losing all my friends, and alienating everyone around me. (should I post this as #1?)

7. Fear of heights

What sucks the most about this is that I spent quite a few years as a followspot operator in various theaters and venues… which requires working pretty high up from the ground. Heights still freak me out and probably always will. I get stressed just being on airplanes and usually self-medicate with Benadryl or alcohol.

I always imagine the same scenario: During takeoff for a long flight, I have flashbacks from the first scene of Final Destination where the plane blows up, resulting in me becoming a raving lunatic that turns utterly batshit crazy and getting sucker punched by an overzealous air marshal.

6. Fear of the dark (especially after watching an American Horror Story marathon)

When I was about 8 or 9 years old, I had a babysitter that rather cruelly allowed me to watch Nightmare on Elm Street. I was completely scarred by the image of Johnny Depp getting sucked into the bed, and then spewed out across the ceiling. For years I had the same night ritual: if I needed a drink of water or had to pee in the middle of the night, I’d stand on the edge of my bed and jump to the door, because I was afraid that Freddy Kruger would grab me by the ankles and drag me away. I didn’t sleep in the middle of my bed so it would make it harder for Freddy to suck me in the bed and spew out my guts across the ceiling.

The BBE and I recently started watching American Horror Story, and I have to say, that is one of the scariest shows I’ve seen as an adult (apart from The Human Centipede). It’s brought back that old fear of the dark, that fear that someone is standing behind me, waiting to get me! Last night I went to the bathroom in the dark and scuttled back to my bed, convinced that one of the creepy characters from American Horror Story was lurking in my closet.

5. Fear of being fat forever

For a long time, this was huge secret that I didn’t want to share with anyone. The worst was that, by not speaking it into existence and acknowledging that I had a challenge in front of me, I didn’t do anything about it.

The Get Fit With Nick program has done a LOT to put me in control of my own body. I still feel like I have a long road ahead of me that involves a lot of squats, spinning classes and watching what I eat, but at least I’m doing something about it.¬† I’m still scared though… at any moment I could just quit trying and slide back into my old habits of doing nothing but being afraid of everything.

4. Fear of death

People say it’s the “next big adventure”… I think it’s the lack of knowing that scares me, fear of existing, fear that maybe I haven’t been good enough in this life to warrant forgiveness and acceptance in the next one… in heaven.

3. Fear of having kids

I want to! But I’m also scared. After listening to stories from all my friends that have had kids, it’s pretty scary/ gross/ painful/ stressful/ difficult. I think, especially in this day and age where old grown men in places of power are dictating what I as a woman should do and should not do with my body (what gives you the RIGHT to tell me what I should do?!?) dealing with healthcare during one of the scariest and most amazing moments in your life really stresses me out. ‘Nuff said ūüôā

2. Fear of having kids and then being a bad parent

What if, once I have kids I can’t afford to give them all the things they need or things I want to give them? What if I push them too much or not enough? What if I have rambunctious horrible children that are worthy of their own Supernanny episode? How will I potty train them? Teach them their letters and to not talk to strangers? What if, when they become teenagers I want to choke the life out of them? Being a parent is an awesome responsibility that I’m completely afraid of. Yet I also want to do it. Which possibly makes me crazy?

1. Fear of never accomplishing anything amazing in my lifetime (and/or before the zombie apocalypse/ Rapture)

I want to make my mark on the world. I just have no idea how to do it.

Wow, I don’t think I’ve ever articulated all of these fears to any one person. And now I’m posted them all on the internet.

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It’s not that I don’t care…

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There are a couple of people that, whenever they talk about their kids or pets, I mentally check out.

I think we all know people like this – God help me, I feel really bad about this, but I can’t help it.

Somehow oblivious people tend to¬†mistake that pleasantly amused look on my face as giving a rat’s ass about¬†their dog’s birthday party, therapy new collar or funny new shape his poop has taken.

PLEASE don’t mistake this as an “I hate kids and puppies and rainbows¬†rant” because that’s not it.¬†This is directed towards a VERY SPECIFIC GROUP OF PEOPLE that inflict the mundane habits of their family life on the unwilling. I LOVE dogs and cats and children, I really do. Correction: I LOVE the dogs and cats and children of my friends and family members and various people I care about.

When one of my close friends had her first baby I went by her house on a regular basis to watch her son and keep her pets company so she could take a shower or nap. I encouraged her to call me if she needed a babysitter, and have extended that same offer to many of my friends.

I dog-sit regularly for a friend’s dog whenever he’s out of town.

When my best friend’s son has a new accomplishment, I get just as excited as she does – even if that accomplishment is learning the chorus to Rihanna’s “S and M” song.

Another friend has a dog that gets so excited when I come to visit that he pees on my foot, every time, without fail. I fricking love that dog, and try to steal him when her and her husband arent looking.¬†He cracks me up. If he didn’t pee on me, I’d assume something was wrong.

My boyfriend makes a point of dragging me away from cute little kids clothes in the target, or from¬†cooing over¬†little kids dressed up like princesses and pirates¬†when we go to Disney – I think it’s because he can hear my uterus pulsating or ticking or whatever. He also changes the channel whenever the commercials about abused animals come on because I reach for the phone, ready to adopt one of those poor blind kittens… and maybe a legless puppy… and that sad starving child in Indonesia.

What I’m saying is, I have quite a few friends that have kids and pets, and I LOVE those little rugrats – I really do! What I don’t like is when people turn any conversation, every conversation, to somehow be about their kid or dog.

Example #1:

¬†Me: ” Hey what do you think of the whole Occupy Wall Street thing?”

Ignorant Exuburant Parent: “Speaking of streets, Fido just loves taking long walks down the street but sometimes he gets sad. I wonder if he needs a pet therapist. At his doggy birthday party last week he just didn’t seem as perky as he normally does…

Me: “Um… what?”

Example #2:

Random Conversationalist: “Have you seen that new R-rated movie that came out last week?”

Ignorant Exuberant Parent: “Oh yeah! We went to the 9:30 show and took our little (8-month old) daughter Sally with us! She loved that movie! She laughed and cried all the way through it! I think other people really enjoyed seeing a little kid having so much fun… they kept staring at us…

Ok, maybe I am being slightly dramatic.

I worry though, when I just¬†zone out on conversations about people’s kids that I don’t care about, if I’ll ever be that person. Or worse, does this mean I’ll be a bad parent? I like little kids, but I think my level of caring and interest in¬†their achievements and bowel movements is based on how much I care about their parents and how close friends we are. I feel more invested and excited when a good friend tells me she’s pregnant than when a random co-worker/ associate¬†starts talking about her morning sickness and baby constipation in the breakroom.

I get it, you’re excited about your offspring and want to share that joy with everybody – but maybe gauge their reactions before diving into a story about mucus plugs and diaper genies? I work with a LOT of women, and it’s pretty common that 3-4 are pregnant at a time, so this is something I face every day… it’s a good reminder to take my birth control pill every day, FAITHFULLY.

In one of the many pervers turns that my life takes, this subject (interest in other people’s babies, NOT birth control!) came up during a conversation with my mom last weekend. She took that as an opportunity to share with me some¬†funny baby¬†stories about me and both or my two sisters.

Now, anyone that knows me also knows that I see this as a form of karma coming back like a boomerang to the face. How do you tell your own mother that you don’t care about her own baby stories? Especially when YOU’RE THE BABY???