- Two weeks ago, I used the ladies’ bathroom at work, and when I was done, I realized that I’d forgotten to lock the door! Now I double, triple, QUADRUPLE check before I unfasten my pants. Nobody needs a free peepshow at work.
- To make the BBE better understand this history of black people, I am arranging a list of movies he should see regarding the African-American experience in America. Kinda like a reading list but with moving pictures. I refer to it as the “African-American Film Festival”. I’d hate for him not to get the Color Purple references whenever he visits my parents’ house “You told Harpo to beat me”!!
- I am re-reading the Anne of Green Gables series on my Kindle right now, and putting off reading the book for my book club… “The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks“. It’s gonna be depressing, and make me angry at the establishment! You can see why I’m hiding in my magical little world created by L.M. Montgomery, right?
- Whenever I pee, I check to see if it’s the “light lemonade” color that the Get Fit With Nick nutritionist told us it should be.
- I accidentally touched a frog that was chillaxin on the glass door into the office. Will I get warts?
- I’ve been taking fiber supplements for a few weeks now, and ripping out the wrost farts known to man ever since. This morning I accidentally let one fly and BBE yanked the covers over my head, effectively choking me in my own Duth Oven. So not cool.
- I keep tabs on people that I notice NOT washing their hands. Ick.
- I’ve always wanted to go to a Keith Urban or Taylor Swift concert, but I’m paranoid that I’ll be the only brown person there. Is that weird? I have my own cowboy boots!!
- Same goes for Celtic Woman, minus the cowboy boots.
- THIS IS HORRIBLE BUT whenever I see a really big person that looks like a hot mess, I nudge whoever’s closest to me (BBE, Ojeda, Messy Jessy, Lisa R) and ask them “do I look like that?” Perception is reality people!
(warning: if talking about peeing makes you uncomfortable, don’t read this post!!)
Wanna knnow how you can tell if a girl is drunk at a club? When she passes out on the bathroom floor, or is walking on it in her BARE FEET. I’ve seen this happen! Sooo not cute. There’s not enough vokda cranberries in the WORLD to get me to that point. My bathroom routine and love affair with toilet seat covers is way too firmly entrenched for those kind of shenanigans. Just thinking about the club bathroom floor is enough to send me running for the jumbo-sized bottle of hand sanitizer at Costco.
Conversely, there’s a sweet sense of relief in having some personal bathroom time in MY bathroom and not in a public place. I do my best to never “break the seal” while out drinking. Even on a non-cocktail kinda day I’m usually scurrying from the garage into the house with my knees pressed together because I’ve had to pee for over an hour and didn’t want to do it at work. Peeing at work is, for me at least, a process.
Peeing at Work:
Step 1 – Hold it in for at least 45 minutes before I acknowledge that I have to go.
Step 2 – Wriggle in my chair for another 15 minutes
Step 3 – Dash to the bathroom (with as much dignity and grace as can be expected after holding it for an hour) and try not to do the “pee pee dance” down the hall on my way there
Step 4 – Select a stall.
Step 5 – Check to make sure commode doesn’t have anything in it or ON it.
Step 6 – Confirm that the water in the commode is not moving (thus signifying that the seat had been recently vacated and cirucmventing the chance of experience another’s buttheat)
Step 7 – Pull out 2 toilet seat covers. One to wipe the seat down and the other to sit on.
Step 8 – Handle business.
Step 9 – Flush. Confirm flushing completion.
Step 10 – Wash hands.
Step 11 – Use wrist to pull down lever on paper towel dispenser. Dry hands with paper towel.
Step 12 – Use same paper towel to open bathroom door, then toss paper towel into trash can.
Step 13 – Return to desk, avoiding eye contact with anyone that might have seen me booking it to the bathroom doing the pee pee dance.
Step 14 – Repeat steps 1 – 13 in approximately 2 hours.
Surely you can understand why I’d want to shave off some of these steps by just going at home.
I can’t be the only person that’s like this…right?? I realize that everyone has their own bizarre bathroom behavior. I just always hope that it at the very least involves steps 10. I’ve been in the bathroom before with people that don’t practice step 10, which serves to further entrench my habits (and proclivity for hand sanitizer in every handbag I own) even more.
I tend to pay attention to those people and memorize their feet (since that’s the only part I can see under the stall) so that I’ll know them when I see them outside the bathroom and stay away from the non-step-tenners.
Weird bathroom behavior: maybe. Club bathroom floor free? Most definitely!