Tag Archives: stalking

Update – We’re Broke, Our Wedding Isn’t Going to Make You Any Money!




So a few days ago, I posted about how my contact information had been unknowingly shared with a realtor via David’s Bridal (see: We’re Broke, Our Wedding Isn’t Going to Make You Any Money!). Having asked to be taken off the mailing list, I was VERY surprised to receive the SAME EMAIL from the SAME REALTOR less than 24 hours later.


Now, you might argue that it can take a few days to take someone off a mailing list – this is true. Working with mailing lists at work has taught me a few things, and the emails she is sending are not using “mailing lists”. For one thing, there was no option to unsubscribe, and for another, she wouldn’t have been able to add the email addresses in to the “to field” – it all would have been blind copied. She is simply copying and pasting names into the “to” field on her own email account. Only this time, she got smart and the second go-around she at least used the “bcc” field. Tricksy Baggins (sorry, a Lord of the Rings reference).


Getting the email again got me fired up… so I did what I should have done in the first place. I called the DB store and asked for the store manager. I told her what was going on, how I did not give them permission to share my info with a REALTOR, and how inappropriate and unprofessional this was. Clearly this store manager has taken a few customer service classes: she listened to my situation, empathized with how frustrated I was, apologized for the inconvenience and took immediate action.


She was unsure how a realtor got on their vendor list in the first place, but she assured me that she would contact corporate and have her removed, and would make sure that I did not receive future emails to my personal email address. Bam. Problem solved.


I feel a bit bad for realtor lady – she was just trying to drum up some business – but the tenor of her approach was inappropriate, and I think she needs a few lessons on how to network. Gaining contact by stalking future brides via email is out of control, but she’s not the only guilty party – someone within David’s Bridal allowed this to happen. I don’t know if my complaints ruined her relationship with the store. Should I feel guilty??

Oh Yeah? Watch this.


Unlike most people, I’ve already come to terms with some of the more spiteful elements of my personality… and unlike most people I just choose to embrace and revel in them occasionally as opposed to feeling bad about it.


For people who don’t know me, sometimes my obsessive (possible petty) behavior over minor stuff  can come as a shock. I don’t think it’s that big of a deal. It makes me interesting, and is (mostly) harmless. And for the people who totally get me, my antics can make for great blog posts.


I am a social media addict. I post on Facebook religiously, I tweet, use google plus, and keep my LinkedIn account regularly updated. I was totally into GoWalla before it disappeared, and was a foursquare junkie even before I had “friends” on foursquare to share my checkins with. I’m a social media freak!Another oddity that I’ve come to terms with.


As a social media freak, I got turned on to the idea of being the “mayor” of as many of my favorite haunts on foursquare. I’m the mayor of my house, the local dunkin donuts, and for three glorious days, the nearby Chipotle. As work I’m the mayor of my company as well as the events department (where I work specifically), the Sales department, PR and the Boardroom. In all fairness I pass through all of those areas on a regular basis, so it’s perfectly reasonable that I “check in” to each of them daily.

At one point during the summer, the PR intern became mayor of my department. WTF!?! He didn’t even know where it was! So the vindictive me taught him a”lesson”: I became the mayor of the PR Intern’s Desk! Suffice it to say, he was never mayor of my department again. Grr.


Recently I’ve kinda slacked off of checking in on Foursquare. No big deal until I got an email recently that a new girl was now mayor of my department! She also became mayor of the Sales Department, the Boardroom and the PR Intern’s desk! Dangit!!! So I started checking into my department on Facebook again, but I also decided to check into hers.


Turns out new girl made her desk a location on foursquare, so she’s making it easy for me. She’s mayor right now – but not for long. According to foursquare I will be the mayor of her desk in 5 days.


Also turns out this is the same new girl who never speaks when you pass her in the hall. I used my swipe card to let her in one morning – I had an armful of items – she just opened the door and walked in ahead of me and didn’t even say thank you. So I’m taking some supreme pleasure in reclaiming my domain from non-helpful at the door girl.


I may have laughed out loud maniacally once or twice while checking into her desk.


Now tell me I’m not vindictive.


I know it’s crazy. I know it’s a meaningless silly little social media app. For some reason though, having a newbie not even been working there for 6 months new kid become mayor of my “work hood” is not sitting well with me. Especially when said new kid doesn’t even have the decently to respond to a friendly salutation.


Turns out, it’s not sitting well with her co-workers either! I got a high five from someone on her team, who is my friend on foursquare and saw what I was doing. She wished me luck. 🙂

A Quick Facebook Excercise: Or, Why I Never Go To Wal-Mart



So I totally stole the idea for this blog from a friend who posted something similar on Facebook. Isn’t that where the best creativity comes from?? No seriously, I had a theatre professor in college that said that.


You’re at Walmart, list the first nine people under your friends list:

(ok, first of all, let’s address the fact that I would NEVER be in Wal-Mart. That place stresses me out. I am a Tar-jay girl. You coudl just say I have a “Wal-Mart allergy”)



1. Looking at Justin Bieber poster: the BBE! WTF?

(there would be lots of questions if I say this happening. LOTS.)


2. Lost in Walmart: KP

(she would NOT be lost in the Wal-Mart, she’d be walking around looking for the manager to explain to him that his organization skills inside the store are somewhat lacking. Love ya KP!!)


3. Riding the bicycles: Get Fit With Nick Ed

(ok, this actually makes sense. although the part about me being in the Wal-Mart at all is still confusing)



4. Planning to blow up the place: Lisa R.

well she is a lil gangsta.


5. Looking at the barbie toys: Kevin O.

He’s probably looking to buy them for the children he plans to adopt one day…  He also says his favorite kid names are Mildew and Garnier because he like the way they sound. I guess that’s slightly better than “Shithead” (pronounced “Shih-thay-ed”)


6. Taking pics of themselves: Jill C.

My partner in crime during the Get Fit With Nick Challenge. She once told me that unlike over people that are overweight she doesn’t feel like she looks bad. She looks at herself in the mirror and thinks “Damn! I look good!” So I can her standing in the Olan Mills Photography Studio, ready to get her GlamourShot on.


7. Hiding in the clothes racks scaring people: Littlest Sis

Her sense of humor is way way off. Like, cheese slipped off the cracker, a few crayons short of a full box kinda off. So no surprise there.

8. Stalking a hot guy: Delton

One of my BFFs, I could totally see him doing this, lurking in the aisles, watching him from afar. GOOD GRIEF. My friends are all sociopaths. What does this say about me??


9. Sliding down aisles in their socks: Christian

’nuff said.

He’d giggle while doing it too.


Facebook Faux Pas(s)

  1. Posting vague and emotional updates that just make everyone ask “are you ok?” “what’s wrong?” To me that just screams “I NEED ATTENTION! I AM SO EMO!” To the helplessly emo, I say “perhaps try blogging? Or maybe get a cat?”
  2. Posting status updates that are really just inside jokes so only you and 2 other people will understand. Seriously??? That’s what text messages are for. Inside jokes should stay inside.
  3. Hashtags on Facebook. Those are twitter-only, people! (although I have committed this sin myself)
  4. The post where people feel the need to announce that they’re going to start deleting their friends on Facebook. Just effing delete them and move on. No need to prompt a discussion and ask people to vote on whether they should be deleted. Just for that, I am deleting you.
  5. The posts where people announce they’re leaving Facebook. We don’t care. PEACE OUT.
  6. Whenever Facebook changes, like a FONT, everyone starts complaining about the changes. (also a sin I have committed. but no longer!)
  7. People that update their Facebook status every time they breathe in or out, go to the bathroom, turn on the tv, etc. Again – as I twitter user myself, I refer you to the world of twitter, where you can share your farts to your heart’s desire. Or possibly? Maybe keeping the running commentary where it belongs: in your head.
  8. Attempting to “re-friend” someone after you’ve been “de-friended”. I know people who are scared to de-friend folks because of the verbal backlash they’ll receive the next time they see the person. I also have personally received “refriend” requests by the same person THREE TIMES. Should I send a memo?
  9. Please don’t make me “like or repost this status” if I like child abuse, animal rights, your particular religious views, cancer, etc. Firstly I don’t “like”  child abuse or cancer, no one does. Secondly, it makes me seem like a douche for not supporting cancer patients when in reality I don’t want to post your grammatically incorrect status on my Facebook.
  10. Farmville, Farmtown, Sorority Row – STOP sending me requests to get bejeweled, bedazzled or grow tomatoes. I don’t want to join your vampire coven on facebook nor do I want to build a shopping village. DELETE.
  11. YouTube videos… ok, this one gets me hot! As in mad. I can’t stand it when I open my feed to read what my friends are up to, and 1/3 of it is taken up by some asshat who is posted links to music videos on YouTube to express how they feel. One or two is ok, but seven? SEVEN? In a row? Excessive youtubing has resulted in my hiding friend feeds before, because I simply COULD NOT TAKE ONE. MORE. FRICKING MUSIC VIDEO.
  12. Creepers on Facebook. You know who you are. ’nuff said.


Anyone else got  a Facebook faux pas they’d like to share? Or am I a giant jerk for letting this stuff bother me enough to spark a blog post?

See If I’ll Smile NOW


Ok, you know what really gets me fired up? When random strangers tell you to “SMILE”. Like you’re just gonna do it on command.

Ummm, Why don’t you just pop a drill sergeant’s cap on your head, lace up your shiny black boots and yell “schnell!” at the end of it and just round out the whole bossyboots combo?

It’s like by demanding a smile the requester is suggesting that you’re a grinch for not waking around with a dopey grin on your face, inviting one and all to join in on your private reverie of rainbows, sunshine and kittens. Like somehow you have committed a terrible crime and they’re just bailing you out by reminding you to flash your pearly white to all and sundry. The other day my friend Kelly was walking down the street and some random, self-righteous d-bag says to her “smile!” It sounds innocent, but it’s just obnoxious. What if you don’t want to smile? What if your face has a natural frown? What if your puppy just got run over and you’re on your way to the vet to pick up the remains?

Yeah, I went there.

Back in the olden days when I was going to college in Atlanta, I would walk down Peachtree Street several times a week to reach various classroom buildings for my classes. I often came into contact with those random people (NOT STUDENTS) who felt it was their personal obligation, nay DUTY, to make the world smile. Make the world smile one schnell at a time!! LOL

I remember once I was standing at a corner waiting to cross the street, desperately cramming for my Italian final and some jumped-up smart aleck stranger dude was like “smile! it’s not so bad!”

First of all, it WAS that bad. I needed at least a B on this test to maintain my B average. I had 15 minutes to remember how to conjugate 12 verbs. In my opinion, IT WAS THAT BAD.

Secondly, do I even fricking KNOW YOU?!? Atlanta can be a pretty scary place full of batshit weirdos. I learned pretty early that I don’t talk to strangers, sorry.

Thirdly, I wasn’t frowning, that was my natural “street face”: that look that, after multiple creepy encounters with bizarros and stalker-type assholes, you adapt as your facial expression to avoid unwanted aggressiveness or confrontation when in the city. It wasn’t even a look I intended on giving, but the minute I got out of my car for school everyday my face just magically rearranged itself into this look.

And finally, having a stranger standing that close to me, within sniffing distance of my body bath & body works country apple spray, demanding some type of verb/action was enough to startle me right  into oncoming traffic. I wanted to drop kick the smile right off his stupid, smug face and give him a swirly in a train station bathroom and say “feel like a smile NOW?!?!”

What I find interesting about this is phenomenon is that women are very rarely the perpetrators of smile-jackings. I’m assuming it’s supposed to be a way to start a conversation to like, hit on you or whatever? By highlighting that fact that you’re not smiling? Only dudes do that kinda crap. And it’s usually creep dudes. Creepy dude trying to hit on you or talk to you. Which makes you want to frown even more. Ugh.

So just remember… when a stranger asks you… SMILE!!!!!!!!

…With your middle finger.

An Open Letter to the BBE


Dear BBE (aka “Best Boyfriend Ever”),


Here’s my open letter to you; I have a few things I wanted to share with you that I just don’t have the guts to say out loud. Because I’m a wimp.


1. I am so glad that you are comfortable at my place! So glad in fact, that I want you to make yourself at home. Make yourself SO at home that, from now on you will have no more excuses for not putting the dishes away because you “don’t know where they go”.

2. Speaking of being comfortable: the next time that you use the bathroom and don’t replace the empty toilet roll, I am going to choke you out. Like, Vulcan nerve pinch death grip choke you out. I AM NOT KIDDING. And by the way: the windowsill next to the toilet is NOT an ideal place to leave your kindle!

3. Next time you leave random piles of receipts under pillows on my papasan chair I will set them on fire. That’s right, FIRE.

4. I  think it’s pretty rich that you tease me for being weird enough to enjoy the Twilight series and having a Taylor Lautner poster in my water closet when you’re super weird for not liking ketchup and for not eating fruit pies because you believe that fruit does not belong in desserts.

5. Do not fart in my general direction. Ever. Same thing goes for burping. There is no situation in life where that is funny.



In addition to these things, there are some others that I also want to share:


6. I really really love it when we’re cuddling and watching tv and you kiss my forehead and stroke my hair. I realize there’s a pretty likely chance that it looks like a hot mess or maybe a squirrel is making a home in there (hey, when I’m relaxing at home, I REALLY relax at home!) but it makes me feel pretty and girly and super special.

7. I am obnoxious. I am a dork. I do embarrassing things in public and in private (like accidentally flash my underwear to the patrons of the local Cracker Barrel). I promise that at least twice a week I will do something to horrify you in front of others and also when we’re alone. I deeply appreciate that you love me in spite of all those things and seem to find many of them entertaining.

8. As much as I tease you for being mushy, I wouldn’t have you any other way. The little gestures you do to show me you care are so darn sweet…if my reacts alternate between teasing you and tearing up like a wimp it’s because I don’t know how to react appropriately because I’m not used to a guy being so nice… just because. I like that you’re sweet and mushy and cannot understand for the life of me why you like being with me, but I really and truly DO NOT WANT YOU TO CHANGE!

9.  This is uber creepy but I like sniffing you because I love the way you smell. I tried buying the laundry detergent that you use, but it made the crotch of my underpants smell weird and I got itchy on the back of my neck. I think I’m allergic to the laundry detergent you use, but don’t stop using it. I love sniffing you 🙂

10. My face gets hot when people ask me how I feel about you because telling the world that I love you is deeply personal and scary and something I’ve never said about anyone else except my family, close friends, my dog Rex and my cat Milo.


And one last thing…

I love holding your hand. So don’t let go. 🙂




The Sunburnt Peach

The lady doth protest much


Driving back to the office after lunch and I pass some protesters outside of the SeaWorld entrance… The weird thing is that they’re not your typical angry protesters, they’re WAVING at all the cars, like Wal-Mart greeters.

Isn’t that odd?!? Aren’t they supposed to be waving fists or holding clumps of dead fish or something?

And why hasn’t someone told them it’s too hot today for that??? #justsayin

Gahh!!! What the Hell!



What in the world??!?? I was in this total like ZEN state and it just got ruined by a lizard. Again.

Let’s back track a bit.  So on Monday afternoon, in an attempt to get back on track with making exercise a regular part of my routine I decide to take a walk through my neighborhood after dinner.

Can I just say? I live in like, a fricking Stepford paradise sort of. I mean, our neighborhood’s really nice… mellow… pretty. Ok, maybe Stepford’s the wrong way to describe it, but when I walk down the streets listening to my iPod I’m struck with how lush and inviting everyone’s lawns are (except ours). The front porches have cute patio furniture (except ours) and plants (except ours). There are swaying palms and lovely magnolia trees. It’s pretty nice by any standard.

Ok, maybe I’m making our house sound like that trashy one on the corner that has weeds 8 feet high and indigenous vermin living in the bushes nesting in old tires with broken bottles and Four Loko cans littering the steps. That’s entirely untrue. We get the weeds cut at least twice a month and I removed the Four Loko cans after the HOA complained a few times.

The point of all this is, my neighborhood lulls you into this relaxing sense of calm and peacefulness, something I’ve come to appreciate. I’m walking around, down the garden paths, past cute little houses.

But speaking of vermin – I get home and run a nice bath, read a few chapters of “Mr. Darcy Takes a Wife” by Linda Berdoll (MUST READ IF YOU LOVED Pride & Prejudice and want it a little on the dirty side) and just as I’m slipping into my nightgown, I feel something SLITHER down my backside. It was the Christmas Lizard from over a month ago! He was chillaxing in the folds of my nightgown when I put it on. Eeeek!

 I jumped about 3 feet in the air, flapping my airs like a fool before I gained composure. By the time I pulled it together to grab a shoebox to catch him, he was gone, back into the depths of my closet.

FYI – Later that night I was startled from a deep sleep convinced that he was back in my pajamas again. I had to turn on the lights and peek under the bed and shake out the covers, like I was a kid scared after watching too many Freddy Kreuger movies.

Ok, so let’s fast forward to last night. I get home after an AWESOME date (and no, details will not be disclosed) feeling like, totally zen, and walk into my closet, only to see this:


WTH?!?! Am I like a lizard whisperer now? Am I running a reptilian nightclub? Disco? Cocktails? Happy Hour? I mean I appreciate them for keeping us bug-free, but seriously, give a gal a little space.

I grabbed him up into a shoebox and released his free-loading butt out onto the porch.

It has been suggested that Mr. Lizard (let’s call him Mr. Geico) has MATED in my closet and now has a little lizard family in there, from whom I have separated him. First of all THANKS for that alarming visual, and I want to know if anyone else would have done different?? Are yall gonna call DFACS on me??

It is a little ironic that I’m a Geico customer.

I’ve seen the same lizard two nights in one week… are we technically going steady now?

My Version of Social Media Marketing


Goes like this, all via text messages:

Me: Follow my blog dammit! Don’t make me have to tell you twice:

Delto, my BFF: [no response]

Me, 1 day and 11 hours later: Subscribe to my blog or I will be forced to cause you bodily harm!

Delto, an hour and 19 minutes later: ima do it

Me: Right now! Do it right now!

Me, continued: Miss you puddin! I wish you were here!  I’d dry hump your leg and lick your face and hug you til you passed out.

Delto: miss you too…

Me: Good. Now follow my blog ho.

Delto, 7 minutes later: I did I think.

Me: Did you click on the confirmation email? You have to click the email!!

Hey, at least I got another blog subscriber out of it.



So I’m learning that a favorite pastime of many of my friends is “creepin”.

Creeping is when you stalk someone (usually from afar) silently on social media. Facebook is a good place for this.

Anytime you systematically stalk someone via social media without commenting on their page?? That’s considered creeping.

It is truly a pastime that transcends gender, race and age. I have friends that creep on their old friends, frenemies, exes and crushes. I know parents that creep on their kids…
Mom: “I saw you went on a date last night. How did it go?”
Me: “Saw?? What do you mean??”
Mom: “I saw it on facebook.”

My roommates have taken creeping to a whole new level. Sitting in my room, I see flashing lights reflecting off the backyard fence… I get up to investigate the source… And find my roommates Wesley and Colleen (semi-) covertly peering out the blinds of the dining room window at a woman that’s been pulled over by the police. Police in our neighborhood is a rare occurrence in itself, so I understand the curiosity. Why is this considered “creeping”?? When the woman turns her head to look at our house, they both hit the floors like gunshots have gone off. Clearly they don’t want to be seen. 🙂

That’s it, just my random observation… Now I gotta go peek and see if he’s written her a ticket yet! 🙂

Wesley and Colleen creepin on the neighbors!

**Update: Apparently the woman was getting a ticket for running a stop sign in the nieghborhood. We know this because Wesley went on the porch so he could overhear what the police officer was saying. See what I mean? Creeepin!!!