Tag Archives: survival

Zombie Apocalypes vs. the Dentist


I’ve never been a huge fan of Halloween. So I’m sure you can imagine my dismay when 2 zombies walked into our office recently.

It was a Halloween prank, as it turned out. Nevertheless, I was torn between my disgust for zombies and all they stand for, and my urge to whip out my smartphone and take a pic. Obviously, the smartphone won out.

Zombies have been on the brain lately (bahahaha! get it? BRAINS! brrraaaiiiinnsss!). During the Halloween season, some of my favorite channels (History Channel, Discovery Channel and the Travel Channel) feature more shows about haunted houses, the scariest places in America, and other fun stuff. Recently, History Channel did a piece on zombies, and what a zombie apocalypse would look like. It was compared to the bubonic plague. They even brought in a weapons expert to highlight the items to best use as defense against zombie attacks. Weird but interesting, right?

Ever since then, I have been asking myself: would I survive a zombie apocalypse? Would I be one of the select few that makes it to safety, or would I be live fodder for the Undead? I’d like to think I’m scrappy enough to make it through, but I’ve started thinking about things in relation to the zombie apocalypse (or ZA for short).

Take spinning class, for example. Spinning and I have a love/ hate relationship. I love how bad ass I feel afterwards, but during the class, I’m praying to the Baby Jesus, God and his angels to take me far, far away to a land of bubble baths and wine. I make deals with myself: if I can make it through the first 30 minutes, then I can get off the bike (it’s just reverse psychology, since I stay the whole class, but it works). Today’s spinning class took on a new edge when I started thinking about it in terms of ZA… what makes spinning so important?

  1. Losing weight means I’m less meaty and therefore less of a target
  2. Spinning makes me more competent in a bicycle, so that should I have to use a bike for a speedy getaway, I’m a swiftly moving, less meaty target.

Another example is weight loss. How does weight loss relate to the Zombie Apocalypse? Simple.

  1. Less me (like less weight) allows me to move faster away from zombies.
  2. Getting used to eating less means that my stockpile of Zombie Apocalypse hideout food will last longer.
  3. Losing weight means I’m less meaty and therefore less of a target.
  4. Gaining muscle mass helps me to better wield my zombie-fighting weapons.
  5. Better healthy will allow my body to fend off the prions the spark the zombie apocalypse.

Seriously! Looking at your regular challenges and obstacles from the perspective of a zombie apocalypse really helps re-focus your energy. I can remind myself constantly of why weight loss is important is I want to have kids, live a healthy life, travel, etc. but NOTHING motivates you like outrunning a hungry raving zombie.

Preparing for the zombie apocalypse even got me through my dental appointment last week.

I hadn’t been to the dentist since I was like… 8? So you can imagine how stressed out I was.  I have a cracked tooth, plus wisdom teeth that had never come out. I knew there would be lots of things the dentist would have to do, and I was super nervous that it would be painful and traumatizing. At the end of the day, though, it wasn’t really bad. I have a few things scheduled for future visits, but my visit only ended with a “debridement” which I guess is a more rigorous type of routine cleaning. Deep cleaning is typical for people that haven’t been to the dentist in a while, so it wasn’t out of the ordinary.

Cleaning sounds normal, right? I thought I’d be fine, I really did. But that was before the debridement actually began. It hurt. Not a lot but enough. And the scraping was uncomfortable. Did I mention that weird water pick thing? Outside of wheedling my way into BBE’s good graces, I hadn’t whimpered aloud in front of another human being in YEARS, yet I whimpered more than once just to let Janet the Dental Hygienist of Horror know that she was causing me pain.

Ah, Janet. The Dentist Hygienist of Horror. SHE is definitely one that will survive the impending apocalypse. She’ll kill them will her torturous drill of death! As I lay back int he chair, trying to suss my whimpering and take my cleaning like a big girl, I began to think “you know what would be worse? the Zombie Apocalypse.” From there I began to recount reasons why having healthy teeth and gums would be ideal:

  1. If I have healthy teeth I won’t be screwed like Tom Hanks was in Castaway when he had to yank out his own abscess tooth.
  2. Strong teeth will be needed to chew through the rougher foods that we will subsist on after the breakdown of first world civilization.
  3. Teeth can be used as weapons… although I don’t want to get close enough to a zombie to test that theory.

After I was done, Janet, the Wonderful and Awesome Harbinger of Dental Hygiene talked to me about the good state of my teeth and habits. Smiling, I left her office, and headed out into my zombie free world.