Tag Archives: turds in foil

A Certain Age…


A close friend of mine recently told me that she got pearls for a Christmas gift from her mother… “you’re getting to a certain age now and should always have a good pair of pearls”…

Are we getting to that certain age? What is the certain age? How do we know when we get there?

Bear in mind I’m only 33 years old, so I probably spend wayyy too much time thinking about my matronly years. I don’t wanna be that cranky old lady that yells at kids to stay out of her begonias. And I worry a lot that when I’m old, come Halloween the kids will put foil-wrapped turds in my mailbox and chase my 18 cats around. I constantly tell my friend Ojeda that he’s gonna be a mean little Cuban man spouting accidentally racist statements at all the caregivers at his elderly home. Surprisingly he doesn’t seem to care as much as I do.

These are some indicators I have noticed as I approach that “certain age”:

  1. The need for iconic pieces of jewelry, i.e. pearls, rings, pendants. Jewelry not found in your local Forever 21 and/ or Charming Charlie’s (pfft. I don’t do this yet, I still shop for accessories in the juniors section of Nordstrom).
  2. More and more suits in the closet and less halter tops (well at least more dress pants! And a few suits. I haven’t given up the halters completely. Don’t worry – all my goodies and fat bits are covered in my tops!!).
  3. Really starting to read ALL of the fine print in every contract, even fi it means the salesperson has to wait until you’re done (Hell yes I do this, ever since I got jacked on my last set of premium tires at Tires Plus. I also check my order at the drive through before driving off.).
  4. Becoming more appreciative of what your health care coverage includes, such as twice yearly dental cleanings, contact lens fittings, etc. This also includes what you can charge to your FSA (Note: FSA cards can be used to buy contact lens solution!! That ish ain’t cheap).
  5. Enthusiastically discussing with friends just how you’re managing your retirement plan and your contribution percentages.
  6. At 4 pm making plans to go out and party that night sounds like a great idea… come 8 o’clock you’ve changed your mind, and stay at home and drink wine instead while watching Restaurant Impossible and nodding off by 11 pm.
  7. Rrrrreally enjoying gardening, and getting excited when you buy a new hydrangea bush (or maybe that’s just a “me” thing. Does anyone else name their flower bushes?).
  8. Debating the merits of fiber supplements (VERY important! Take your fiber people!).
  9. Your main goal after church is over is to get to the Cracker Barrel as quickly as possible in order to “beat the Baptists” (personal goal of mine for years).
  10. Frank discussions from your parents regarding colonoscopies, endoscopies and mammograms because these are all things you’ll need to think about when you near “a certain age”

And finally…

  #11: You utter the dreaded words “I just can’t drink like I used to”