1. My local garbagemen, for seeing through my ruse of sticking yard clippings in kitchen trashbags and sticking them in the curb trashcan. They pulled out the yard bags and only took the regular trash. Tricky Bastards. Fortunately the recycle man took them the next day.
  2. The BBE for pointing out that he’d found …and I quote …”that I had another gray hair”. Thanks for keeping track babe.
  3. iTunes for being so dang on addictive.
  4. That 5 year in the Target grocery store that was singing “I’m sexy and I know It”. Now it’s stuck in my head, along with the vision of a little boy singing “wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle” in the cold cuts section.
  5. People that take 50 points off my IQ when they realize I’m from Georgia. Not everyone from the South is an in-bred cousin-loving banjo player who milks cows and picks cotton. I find Southern accents charming. Don’t you? Haven’t you heard of Southern Hospitality??? Jerk.
  6. My perky HOA President, who stood out on the corner last Friday with a St. Patrick’s Day themed table, handing out granola bars and housing market reports to everyone that drove out of the subdivision. He was wearing a leprechaun hat and had balloons every where. He really is nice and all, but this was too perky for 7:55 am. Dude, unless you’re handing out venti skinny vanilla lattes and $100 bills, I don’t wanna hear about the housing market at 7:55 am.
  7. Unhappy, bitter and emotionally stunted people that are grumpy no matter what, even after you’ve been nice to them. You know what? Next time, I’m not going to say have a nice day! Next time I’m gonna say SUCK IT!
  8. People that block a busy intersection with their car because they’re so desparate to make it through a stoplight. When the light changes, you’re stuck and can’t drive through the intersection without plowing into their car. I find that a disproportionate amount of these people drive Camrys (not judging, just making a statement).
  9. When people think that I’m just paranoid about race because I’m African-American. No! Some people are JSUT RACIST. I am not paranoid… about that anyway. I don’t think every time something wrong is done to a black person that it’s all about race… but there are time when it really is. And yes, I do find the crows in Dumbo racially insensitive.
  10. When you walk up to the receptionist in an office building, and she holds up her finger at your while talking onthe phone to someone else. For some reason, that one really sets me off!
  11. Jerks that park their car either over or right on the parking line, making it very hard of impossible to use the space. We were at a local theme park recently and saw a dude that brought his BOAT to the theme park parking lot, and the giant truck and boat trailer took up a whopping four spaces. Really?!? Mickey does not care about your boat.
  12. People that bring their small children and babies to Dave & Buster’s at 9 o’clock at night. If you need a stroller at D&B in the evening, STAY HOME!
  13. People on social media pages that tell you to “like” their status if you agree with their nutso political rants. What about a dislike button? Imma need Facebook to get working on that.
  14. Suggested from a follower: “co-workers that see you preparing to get a cup of coffee and they come behind you, fill their cup, leave just a little and don’t start another pot!” Agreed.
  15. People that sing out loud off key – on purpose. It’s like aural spam. You can’t turn it off. I don’t have another way to decribe it.
  16. Assholes. Especially assholes that cute me off while I’m running late to work. I’m doing 70 mph in a 55, and you have to speed past me and then do 68? Really? REALLY?!?
  17. Tattletales.
  18. People at work that send you emails without any type of salutation, and then WANT help with something. Can’t you at least say “good morning”, or “hi”? I realize this is a business atmosphere, but a little warm and fuzzy doesn’t hurt everyone once in a while. And don’t send me an email asking for shit and making it sound like whatever you need is a result of my screwup. That’s a sure way to end up at the BOTTOM of my pile of priorities. In other words, don’t be a d!ck.
  19. That jerkface… and there’s one in EVERY office… that leaves less than an inch of coffee in the coffeepot. We have all these coffee supplies at work, and the system makes it super easy to start a new pot. If oyu leave that little coffee in a pot that’s sitting on a hot burner, guess what will happen? It’s gonna BURN! No one likes the smell of burnt coffee. How lazy must you be? Just start a new pot of coffee when you’re walking away.
  20. Ok… Lord help me… there’s this lady in my office that wears an unbearable amount of cologne. It mixes with her body lotion into this untold mixture. I can smell it wayyy before I see her, and it’s getting to the point that it makes me sick everytime I smell it. I think she uses so much to cover up the smell of her cigarette smoke (she was my Secret Santa two years ago, and the gift she gave me smelled like it had been up a chimney). Am I a bad person for being pissed off at this? I don’t want to be subjected to this everyday. Ugh.
  21. Three times in a row Netflix!!!! You keep sending me offers that match the price I was already paying. Stop stalking me!!
  22. Alright Netflix, I’m talking to YOU: I quit you two months ago, because your company and product started to suck. Don’t come at me months later saying “we want you back for this low price!” only to offer me not only the price that I was previously paying, but THE SAME PRICE THAT’S CURRENTLY ON YOUR WEBSITE. Netflix, you can kiss the very fattest part of my big brown butt.
  23. People that walk into your area speaking English and then switch to another language, like they don’t want you to know what they’re saying. Like you don’t already KNOW they speak English. First of all, you walked over here, not the other way around. And also: lady, I could give a FLYING FART IN SPACE about your conversation with your friends, but I do care about your manners. Why be so rude? The only time I am willing to put up with that crap is when I’m at the nail salon. The woman’s holding sharp objects very close to my cuticles. I won’t win this battle. Speak in whatever language you want.
  24. A know-it-all that corrects you when you say “I have to…[insert task here]” and they say “well you don’t have to, you just want to”. Thank you Captain Obvious. I realize it’s not a MUST DO THIS kind of situation, and I also realize that my soul is not in peril if I don’t complete said task. Thank you for correcting me, an English major. I know what I meant and so do you. May I punch you in the throat now? I realize I don’t have to, I just want to.
  25. People that talk over you when you’re talking, like what you have to say is not NEARLY as important as what they have to say.
  26. Construction companies that park their service trucks on both sides of the street in a residential neighborhood… then stand outside of said vehicles while shirtless in jeans and a hard hat, and have the nerve to stare are you like you’re crazy while you’re trying to manipulate you’re moderately-sized 4-door honda through the tiny pathway of space left in front of YOU OWN HOUSE. (sorry. that was a biggie)
  27. Boyfriends that don’t know how to sleep on THEIR side of the bed and not steal all the covers, leaving you shivering and confused at 3 am.
  28. Roommates that treat the laundry room as their own private closet. What if I did that?!? Hmmm?
  29. Neighbors that bring out the fireworks for every occasion. This includes Halloween, Columbus Day, and Feast of All Saints’.
  30. Neighbors that blast “tika tika tika” music at every occasion. This includes Halloween, Columbus Day, TUESDAY and Feast of All Saints’. I have no problem with the music, but why do all of your neighbors within a 4-house radius have to share in your celebration??
  31. How no matter how discerning I am, I always manage to pick the ONE gimp buggy when I go to Target. You know the one – with the front squeaky wheel that won’t roll straight forward, and emits a horrible groaning sound every time you make a right hand turn?
  32. People at work that don’t wash their hands and/or flush. When I see that happening, I just make a mental note and remind myself to NEVER eat what they bring to potluck.
  33. Construction workers that stand in the middle of the road without fear of getting run over. I guess that they’re just immune to this fear because they work beside it every day? Make me want to run you down even more.
  34. Strangers that hide behind their computers and are rude and nasty to other people jsut because they can be. Seriously? Would you say that to my face in public? Jerk.
  35. When you go to the printer, and someone else’s stuff is mixed in with yours. You say “is this yours?” in a kind gesture of, “here you go friend”. The response you get? “Well it has my name on it.” WTF?
  36. When you’re minding your own business, in your own world thinking about life, and some “inspired” nosey pants says “smile!” like you’re depriving the world of your cheery face. Ugh.
  37. People that fart in the grocery aisles at Target and then walk away from it quickly, thus providing no warning to other shoppers of the funk cloud they’re about to walk in. This popular method is known as “crop-dusting” and it’s disgusting.
  38. Some gross person in my office didn’t flush the toilet, thus forcing the rest of us to view the digested contents of her dinner from last night. WHO DOES THAT??
  39. Nosey a$$ neighbors… YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE
  40. Co-workers/ clients/ vendors with a blatant disregard for deadlines. When they’re YOUR deadlines, it’s a big deal, but when I ask for something on time, you don’t give a sh!t. Yeah, I’ve got my eye on you. grr.
  41. Folks that don’t know enough about a subject, but know enough to tell YOU what YOU should be doing it , and how you’re doing it wrong. (sounds vague, but this happens in so many areas, I can’t focus on one)
  42. Old people that think that because you’re younger than them that you’re the local village idiot that they can boss around… I respect you as my elder, but I don’t respect you at the Official Bossypants of Me.

4 responses »

  1. Coworkers who use the last bit of something, like creamer, and puts the container back into the fridge. – That irks the hell out of me.

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