Locker Room Fail

Y’all will enjoy this one.

At least twice a week I rise before the chickens and roosters (ironcially, my alarm sound IS a rooster crowing) and I schlep my way over to the RDV Sportsplex to work with my trainer, who has been upgraded from simply “Trainer from Hell” to “THE HAMMER”.

THE HAMMER really earned her nickname today -she came down on me hard (but in a good way). She upped the weights and the reps and all kinds of crazy things and smiled evilly as I grunted. I have to admit, she upped the ante today in a way I really needed and totally did not expect. So maybe I can be forgiven for being completely discombobulated when I went into the women’s locker room to shower and dress for work.

First of all, let’s talk about people’s openness in the locker room. It’s a pretty nice locker room – they stock towels, deodorant, shampoo, hair dryers and the facilities are very nice. There’s a nifty little machine that you can stick your bathing suit into and it will air dry in seconds. They pipe in classical music while you watch the Today Show or HGTV on one of the flatscreens in the sitting room area and hot tub area. There’s also a steam room, sauna, and cold plunge… and there are some people who feel free to use ALL of those facilities listed above while wearing their birthday suits. I’m not kidding. It’s unnerving – 6 am is too early to be seeing naked chicks in the locker room… all sizes and shapes, too. No one gives a rip. Last Saturday I saw someone’s – ok this is mean, but it’s ok because I have one too – “fat flap” while she was standing by the hot tub I was sitting in, watching the last few minutes of the Closer. I mean, kudos to her for being to relaxed, but SERIOUSLY? It’s a little weird to see other people’s personals.

From what I hear though, the guys’ side is even worse. I took the BBE (best boyfriend ever) with me to work out last week, and he came out of the locker room with this horrified and scarred look on his face. Apparently he was sitting in the hot tub when a man came in from the pool wearing his swimming trunks and decided to get into the hot tub… and proceeded to take OFF the swimming trunks and get into the hot tub with BBE au naturel. Priceless.

And it’s not like RDV is skimpy on the towels. There’s staff devoted to stocking warm clean towels and taking away the used ones. They stock hand towels as well as full sized (or somewhat full sized) towels for use while showering and swimming. I’m gonna be honest – those “full-size” towels do not wrap all the way around my waist.

As disturbed as I am by this nakedness fiasco, it has helped me feel a little bit more relaxed about getting ready in the locker room. I used to take my whole gym bag into the shower stall with me and undress, and re-dress all in that tiny stall. Now I walk in my shower shoes pantsless over to the shower stall and simply take my little sponge bag with shower items with me, plus a pair of underwear and two towels. (i lay one towel on the floor because I’m a princess). After showering I put on my clean underpants and shirt and walk pantsless back to my locker. My shirts are always long enough that they cover up my underpants and such, and besides people walk around in bathing suits or NOTHING AT ALL so surely nothing’s wrong with what I was doing.

Unless you forget to bring clean underwear into the stall with you.

Like I did this morning.

I already felt like a dingbat because I left my bottle of bodywash in my locker and had to use the pump bottle of bodywash they provide in the shower, but when I got out I realized that I was not only gonna be pantsless but UNDERPANTSLESS. I didn’t know what to do!!!

I stood there for a few minutes and debated – do I just make a pantsless run for it and hope I don’t streak past anyone on my way? Do I put the sweaty workout underwear back on. Yikes. Neither option made much sense.

Fortuantely, this happened to be one of the few times that Ihad two towels but hadn’t put one on the floor. So I took one “full size” towel and wrapped it around my butt, pulling my long shirt partly over it. I took the second one and laid it over my arm and kept my arm in front of my… front. I scuttled and shimmied my way back to my locker, carrying my spongebag, workout tank top and shower cap while simultaneously desperately gripping my two-towel sarong drape over my personal bits. It was a long LONG twenty feet back to my locker.

Of course I didn’t see a single soul on my way back, making me wonder if I wold have been better off making a run for it.

I will never forget my bodywash again. And from now one I will always take THREE towels with me to shower, just in case. 🙂